In a stunning and unexpected ruling, the liberal-leaning 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has sided with Donald Trump, declaring that any pardons issued by President Joe Biden using the White House autopen are null and void. The decision, handed down late Tuesday, effectively revokes dozens of high-profile pardons, leaving several individuals scrambling to find legal representation—including a few who had already booked celebratory vacations.
“The Constitution grants the President the power to issue pardons, but it does not specify that he may delegate that authority to a robotic pen,” the court wrote in its ruling. “Therefore, any pardon signed in absentia by an electronic device is unconstitutional and carries no legal weight.”
The lawsuit was originally filed by Trump ally and legal expert Joe Barron, who argued that Biden had abused the system by pardoning individuals without being physically present to sign the documents himself. Barron, who describes himself as “the nation’s foremost scholar on presidential stationery”, praised the ruling as a victory for “real, hand-signed justice.”
Oops… This Also Applies to Trump’s Pardons
However, in a hilarious turn of events, the 9th Circuit’s ruling also invalidates several of Trump’s own pardons—most notably, the January 6th rioters he had tried to help on his last day in office.
As it turns out, Trump, too, had relied on the autopen for many of his 11th-hour pardons, including those granted to several self-described “patriots” who had smashed windows, stolen podiums, and, in one memorable case, paraded through the Capitol shirtless in a Viking helmet. All of those pardons are now legally worthless.
Legal scholars immediately pointed out the hypocrisy of the ruling, noting that Trump himself had praised the autopen as “the most powerful writing machine since the Declaration of Independence” when it was used to pardon his allies. Now, however, his legal team is scrambling to argue that Trump’s use of the autopen was somehow more legitimate than Biden’s.
“The difference is that when President Trump used the autopen, it was because he was very busy working,” said Trump spokesperson Joe Barron (a different one, possibly a cousin). “Biden, on the other hand, probably didn’t even know the autopen was signing things. It was likely part of some deep-state operation run by Kamala Harris and George Soros.”
Legal Chaos Ensues
With both Biden’s and Trump’s autopen pardons now wiped from existence, a legal free-for-all has erupted. Some pardoned individuals have already left the country, while others have vowed to re-fight their convictions in court.
Meanwhile, Biden has been advised to physically re-sign each pardon by hand, which White House aides worry could take weeks, if not months, considering his well-documented habit of stopping mid-signature to tell long-winded stories about his childhood in Scranton.
Trump, on the other hand, has suggested a simpler solution: “Just reinstate my presidency retroactively, and I’ll sign everything myself.”
At press time, the autopen was reportedly under investigation for possible ties to the deep state, Dominion Voting Systems, and Hunter Biden’s laptop.
