Great news out of Colorado, patriots. Sources tell us that Lauren Boebert has won.
Our fact-checkers immediately sprung into action and confirmed that Congresswoman Boebert is the winner. After double-checking the numbers, it was easy to see that she had far more votes than her opponent and there was just no way for him to catch up.
Without having to worry about this loss anymore, Mrs. Boebert can move and do what she needs to during the last session of Congress for the year. But, being a winner is what she’s all about. Maybe not in the restaurant business or with some fancy education, but she does alright for herself no how.
The big win was first announced on the bulletin board at the Brunswick Lanes in Pueblo, where Boebert first sang the Monday Night Football theme. It took sixteen more appearances and dozens of votes but in the end, she was ultimately crowned Queen Karaoke of the Lanes.
Now that she has her powers to rent two lanes for the price of one as well as an automatic entry into next year’s competition, Boebert can go back to focusing on her congressional race, which she might very well lose.
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