White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt found herself in another war of words this week after Reverend Al Sharpton labeled her a “white nationalist” and a “fake Christian” during a television interview that quickly spiraled into the sort of political food fight cable news producers dream about.
Leavitt wasted little time responding.
“My family came to America specifically so they could worship freely,” she said. “They later fought for the Union during the Civil War to help end slavery. Reverend Sharpton’s family immigrated here from Trinidad decades later. I think people should probably learn a little history before throwing around labels.”
She also pointed to what she described as “receipts.”
“There are two Union forts named after members of my family, and the USS Leavitt has been sitting in Boston Harbor for over 150 years. I think my credentials are pretty solid.”
Historians immediately began searching for evidence of either claim before quietly realizing there has never been a USS Leavitt, nor have there been any Union forts bearing that name. That didn’t stop America’s political commentators from arguing about them for the next 72 hours anyway.
According to congressional historian Joe Barron, facts have become largely optional.
“I’ve watched three different cable networks spend two days debating whether an imaginary battleship participated in an imaginary naval battle against Canada,” Barron explained. “Not one person thought to ask whether the ship actually existed.”
The controversy reached another level after reporters tracked down one of Leavitt’s anonymous sources—a retired tour guide outside Boston who admitted he sometimes tells visitors the USS Leavitt is cloaked using Revolutionary War technology.
“Most of them believe me,” he shrugged. “One family from Ohio asked if George Washington personally invented radar.”
Meanwhile, Sharpton doubled down after receiving what he claimed was a leaked National Archives document proving Leavitt’s ancestors had once owned an enormous estate called Freedom Manor.
The document was later revealed to have been printed on the back of a Buffalo Wild Wings children’s menu.
Not to be outdone, Leavitt’s supporters unveiled what they described as “newly discovered Civil War photographs” showing General Ulysses S. Grant standing beside Captain Ezekiel Leavitt during the Siege of Petersburg.
Unfortunately, internet sleuths quickly noticed Captain Leavitt was wearing Oakley sunglasses and holding what appeared to be a Stanley insulated tumbler.
Even more confusing, the image carried a tiny watermark reading “Generated in 12 seconds.”
Political analyst Joe Barron urged everyone to calm down.
“We’ve reached the point where people are fact-checking AI-generated Civil War selfies while ignoring actual government spending,” he sighed. “It’s like watching Rome burn while everyone argues over whether Nero’s fiddle was Bluetooth compatible.”
Things became even stranger when a DoorDash driver claimed he’d delivered lunch to a secret bipartisan meeting held beneath the Capitol rotunda.
“I thought it was weird they ordered twelve cheeseburgers under the name ‘Founding Fathers Anonymous,'” he said. “When I knocked, someone opened the door just enough to whisper, ‘Does anyone know if Fort Leavitt is real yet?'”
By week’s end, neither side had backed down. Sharpton continued insisting Leavitt was rewriting history. Leavitt continued insisting history was on her side. Cable news continued booking panels consisting of four people yelling simultaneously while a fifth person attempted to explain Civil War genealogy using a touchscreen map of Boston Harbor.
As of press time, officials confirmed the entire dispute actually occurred on Earth-63, where every political argument is settled by whichever side produces the most convincing-looking historical document generated by artificial intelligence.
God Bless America.
