Kirk Cameron Diagnosed With Rare Disease

Actor, musician, director, and devoted follower of Christ, Kirk Cameron, has been stricken with an extremely rare form of what can only be described as a biblical disease. Cameron has a mutated form of leprosy that is so rare, less than one in 600 million people will ever encounter someone who has it.

The strain, “leprosis metapupalis carnivore,” essentially turns its victim into a walking pile of dead skin, rotting flesh, and festering organs while keeping the brain functioning at primal levels and the heart pumping just enough to send diseased blood to the marrow and muscles to allow the person to be mobile.

That kind of transformation in such a short period of time turns the victim insane, rendering them completely helpless to help themselves and often resisting — with extreme violence if necessary — anyone trying to assist them. Doctors on the case at Southern Utah Medical Center say that Cameron is “in the advanced stages” and that if they can find a cure, they’ll have less than a day to administer it:

“The problem is, there’s no research on the disease because not enough people have it. I mean, sure there would be enough data to do an analysis and it’s a fairly simple organism causing it, but still…why develop something that will do nothing but cost the shareholders money. To save a dozen people?”

Cameron’s family has asked for privacy. His sister, the famous actress sister, the beautiful Candace Cameron, said he probably contracted the disease while on mission in Western Africa:

“Kirk was there and he heard of someone with the disease and he wanted to meet him. Ironically he was convinced that anyone who was afflicted with such a rare and deadly pathogen had to be chosen by God to be struck down.

“We haven’t ruled out that Kirk has a secret sin and is paying for it with his life. His maker may want to see him sooner than later. Ultimately we’re hoping that he is cured by a miracle.”

Cameron isn’t expected to make it through the night.