The Texas Country Jamboree in Hambriston kicked off in true patriotic fashion this weekend as Kid Rock took the stage, shotgun in one hand and a lukewarm can of Miller Lite in the other, to remind everyone that there is nothing more country than being mad at a congresswoman.
While other artists might open their set with a rousing anthem or a heartfelt speech about the great state of Texas, Kid Rock had other priorities—namely, Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett (D-TX), who has recently become the boogeywoman of choice for certain corners of American politics.
“Let me tell y’all something about Jasmine Crockett,” Rock bellowed to a sea of fans wearing bedazzled eagle tank tops. “She is nothing but a cardboard box full of non-fat salad dressing.”
The crowd roared in agreement, though nobody seemed entirely sure what he meant. Was it a metaphor? A code? A reference to an unreleased Kid Rock song that only true patriots understand? Whatever the case, the people were here for it.
Governor Greg Abbott, a self-proclaimed Kid Rock superfan, has already confirmed that he’ll definitely be attending the festival, because there’s nothing he loves more than a good time and some politically charged grandstanding. Sources say he even asked to be wheeled up on stage, though festival organizers are still working out the logistics of that request.
Meanwhile, Crockett has yet to respond to Kid Rock’s devastating insult, possibly because it makes absolutely no sense. Critics of the congresswoman say that’s just like a liberal—ignoring hard truths when they don’t fit the narrative.
The Texas Country Jamboree continues through the weekend, with performances from Toby Keith’s Hologram, Hank Williams IV, and the guy who played the fiddle for Charlie Daniels that one time.
God Bless America.
