WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has shocked the journalistic world, the Justice Department has announced that it is seeking indictments for election interference against prominent media personalities David Muir, Jim Acosta, and Rachel Maddow. The allegations? Crimes against democracy so bizarre and ridiculous that they could only happen in 2024.
David Muir: Weaponizing Hair and Smoldering Eye Contact
ABC News anchor David Muir is facing charges for allegedly using his “unfairly perfect hair and soothing voice” to manipulate undecided voters during the last election. According to DOJ investigators, Muir’s strategic use of furrowed brows and concerned nods during newscasts psychologically influenced viewers into doubting their own political beliefs.
“We have evidence that David Muir’s dramatic pauses caused at least 17,000 swing-state voters to reconsider their choices,” said one DOJ official. “His perfectly tousled hair was determined to be a form of subliminal messaging, designed to lull the electorate into submission.”
One voter from Pennsylvania even testified that Muir’s sympathetic head tilts made her believe the economy was actually improving, leading her to “recklessly vote for a candidate I wasn’t sure about.”
Muir denies all allegations, calling them “an outrageous attack on the follicly gifted.”
Jim Acosta: Illegally Grandstanding at Press Conferences
CNN’s Jim Acosta has been accused of “excessive grandstanding” at White House press briefings, with prosecutors alleging that his habit of turning routine questions into theatrical monologues constitutes election interference.
“Mr. Acosta repeatedly turned White House briefings into episodes of ‘The Jim Acosta Show,’ complete with dramatic accusations, unnecessary hand gestures, and an occasional dramatic spin toward the camera,” said a DOJ spokesperson. “At one point, he allegedly filibustered for so long that half the press pool fell asleep, and the American people missed key policy announcements.”
The indictment further claims that Acosta once physically blocked another reporter from asking a question by aggressively adjusting his tie in their direction, an act DOJ prosecutors are calling “intentional media suppression.”
Acosta responded by filing a countersuit against reality itself, claiming it was biased against him.
Rachel Maddow: Using Conspiracy Theories to Overload Voters’ Brains
MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow is being charged with “reckless overuse of political flowcharts” and “conspiracy theory fatigue”, both of which allegedly interfered with voter decision-making.
“She spent three weeks in a row in 2020 drawing an increasingly complex diagram that linked the price of gas to a goat farm in Belarus,” the indictment reads. “By the time she was done, viewers were too confused to remember their own political affiliations.”
In one instance, Maddow reportedly spent an entire segment explaining a 37-step plot involving international banking, a retired circus performer, and an obscure law from 1894—causing one voter to remark, “I just wanted to know where my polling place was, and now I’m questioning reality itself.”
Maddow dismissed the charges as “an attack on the right to wildly speculate in front of a large audience.”
What’s Next?
Legal analysts expect a lengthy trial, during which the prosecution may also seek charges against Anderson Cooper for excessive smirking and Tucker Carlson for causing mass confusion with his bewildered expression.
In the meantime, Americans are left wondering: “If journalists can be indicted for election interference, does that mean we finally get to arrest our crazy uncle for spreading Facebook memes?”
