In yet another case of Earth-73 proving itself the most ridiculous of all possible dimensions, the entire University of Maine’s women’s field hockey team has reportedly threatened to quit if their coach doesn’t cut their brand-new “star player”—who, in a shocking turn of events, happens to be a full-grown biological male.
This story comes to us via a quantum Bluetooth connection that scientists still can’t quite explain. One minute, researchers were trying to stream a Joe Rogan podcast in their lab, and the next, a direct transmission from Earth-73 came blaring through their speakers. The source? An alternate-reality version of ESPN, where the commentators actually say what they’re thinking.
A “Star Player” With an Unfair Advantage? No Way.
The controversy began when Josephine “Brickhouse” LaForm, a 6’3”, 230-pound former men’s hockey player, decided he was destined for greatness—on a team of 5’4” women whose combined bench press still doesn’t equal one of his warm-up sets.
“I just feel like I belong here,” said McGinnis, adjusting his helmet, which was clearly a size too small because it was designed for, well, actual women.
Coaches immediately hailed the move as a progressive victory for inclusivity—mostly because they had no other choice if they wanted to keep their jobs. But when McGinnis single-handedly scored 12 goals in his first game (eight of them while casually eating a protein bar), the rest of the team started to feel like maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t fair.
The Team Takes a Stand
“This is beyond absurd,” said team captain Lily O’Connell, speaking to a quantum-reality sports journalist who only exists in alternate dimensions where common sense still prevails. “We’ve worked for years to get to this level, and now we’re just glorified extras in ‘The Brayden Show.’”
According to reports, McGinnis doesn’t even try to blend in. He openly celebrates his goals with chest bumps so powerful they send teammates flying. He accidentally broke a girl’s wrist during practice just by patting her on the back. He even has the audacity to call the locker room “the boys’ club.”
The team has officially issued an ultimatum: Either McGinnis is cut, or they walk.
The Coaches’ Response? Pure Earth-73 Insanity.
Despite the obvious competitive imbalance, the coaching staff has refused to back down, releasing a statement so detached from reality that it could only exist in a parallel universe:
“Brayden brings a unique skill set to the team. His strength, speed, and ability to body-check opponents into the next dimension are invaluable assets to our program. We encourage our players to embrace the changing landscape of sports and recognize that true competition isn’t about fairness—it’s about who can survive.”
Where This Goes Next…
As of now, the situation remains unresolved. The team could walk away, or they might be forced to play alongside their new “teammate” while he dunks on them like an NBA player at a middle school scrimmage.
One thing is certain: Earth-73 remains the dumbest timeline.
God Bless America.