John Fetterman delivered the Democrat Playbook to the RNC: “I’ve had enough of their plans for communism”

Senator John Fetterman has dramatically defected to the Republican Party, allegedly delivering a “Democrat Playbook” containing the party’s “secret plans for communism” to the Republican National Committee headquarters in Washington. The move, which Fetterman reportedly announced with the declaration “I’ve had enough,” has sent shockwaves through Pennsylvania politics and vindicated conservative suspicions about the senator’s true loyalties.

According to exclusive reporting by conservative journalist Reno Borja, Fetterman arrived at RNC headquarters at 3:47 AM carrying a “large binder marked ‘SECRET: COMMUNISM PLANS'” and “several USB drives containing evidence of socialist infiltration.” Borja’s source, who he claims is “very close to Fetterman, like, in his inner circle, definitely not just someone who saw him at a Wawa once,” said the senator was “visibly shaken” and “kept saying ‘the people need to know about the bread lines.'”

The “Democrat Playbook” allegedly contains “chapter and verse” on the party’s plans to “seize all private property,” “outlaw meat,” and “replace the Constitution with a collection of Bernie Sanders tweets.” Fetterman reportedly told RNC officials that he “couldn’t participate in the destruction of America anymore” and that “the hoodie was just a disguise all along.”

Investigative journalist Joan Berro, who actually spoke with Fetterman’s actual chief of staff, revealed the truth behind Borja’s explosive report. “It didn’t happen,” Berro reported. “Fetterman was in Pennsylvania all week. He held three town halls on infrastructure funding. The ‘RNC headquarters visit’ was actually a DoorDash delivery to a house in D.C. that happens to be near RNC headquarters. The driver wore a hoodie because it was cold. The ‘binder marked SECRET’ was a pizza box that said ‘SECRET RECIPE’ on the side. The ‘USB drives’ were napkins.”

Berro’s investigation uncovered that Borja’s “source” was actually a DoorDash driver who “thought he saw someone who looked like Fetterman” and “told his cousin, who told his friend, who told Borja, who added the communism stuff.” The “Democrat Playbook” was apparently “a menu from a Chinese restaurant that says ‘Secret Recipe’ on the front and has pictures of food that could be interpreted as ‘socialist’ if you’re hungry enough.”

Constitutional scholar Ben Jarroo, interviewed at a Wawa in Braddock while his emotional support pit bull named “Verification” reviewed the store’s surveillance footage, calculated the report’s accuracy. “If you take the number of actual facts in Borja’s story—which is 0, multiply by the number of people who will believe it anyway—which my research suggests is 847,000, divide by the probability that Fetterman would defect to a party that tried to overturn Pennsylvania’s election results, you get a figure that suggests this is performance art, which is worth approximately $0 in journalism prizes but $847,000 in fundraising emails for Borja’s ‘brave reporting.'”

Fetterman has not responded to the report, though sources say he “shrugged for approximately 2 seconds” when shown it, then “went back to working on infrastructure funding, which is his actual job, not delivering fake playbooks to imaginary communist hunters.”