Tucker Carlson is a free agent, and podcaster Joe Rogan wants him. “I’ll give Tucker $10 million to do my podcast, from his house, for the rest of the year. He doesn’t even have to come here.”

It was unclear if Rogan would have Tucker on for the whole show or if he’d cue him in on relevant political topics. “I can’t see Carlson getting involved when we’re talking about aliens,” said podcast producer Joe Barron, “We kinda feel like he’d just sit there with that dumb look he gets on his face.”

Barron immediately apologized and reminded us that Rogan hired him to provide the comedic element to the show after throwing giant bugs at people got old.

If Carlson accepts Rogan’s offer, he would have to sign a non-compete agreement that guarantees he won’t run off if he gets a better offer from Bill O’Reilly, Chris Cuomo, or — God forbid — Don Lemon.

Fox’s managing editor, Art Tubolls, said the network released Tucker with no strings attached, so he doesn’t really give a flying phuck where he lands or what he does when he gets there. “Do you know how difficult it is to call yourself ‘news’ when someone like that is Goebelling up your best primetime slot? Tucker doesn’t have to go work elsewhere, but he can’t stay here.”

That seems to be the sentiment across the network: “We’re willing to let the little bastard go to gain a smidge of integrity.”

Gutfield and Hannity dropped by to remind the staff that there was no chance of that happening. God Bless them. And God Bless America.


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