In what some are calling the most transparently ridiculous government transaction since the time Obama “accidentally” gave Iran a pallet of cash in a dark alley, it’s now being reported that President Joe Biden, just days before leaving office, approved a $40 million federal grant to the United States Communist Party.
Yes, that Communist Party. The one with a newsletter printed on recycled Che Guevara t-shirts and a membership list that includes three college professors, a barista named Trent, and possibly Jane Fonda.
According to sources who may or may not exist, the grant was buried deep within a last-minute spending bill titled “The Patriotic Economic Security Infrastructure and Health Justice Act,” which also included $18 million for interpretive dance therapy and a pilot program teaching raccoons how to compost.
“Biden saw the line item and thought it was for ‘community party development,’” said one anonymous staffer who insisted we refer to her only as “Sheila from the breakroom.” “He’s been confusing things ever since he tried to sign his iPad with a ballpoint pen.”
The grant, reportedly intended to fund “local ideological outreach and American Marxism education,” was quietly approved during a closed session of something called the Fiscal Fairness and Equity Subcommittee, chaired by none other than Joe Barron, a man whose credentials include hosting a podcast called Tax the Rich, But Not Me and once sharing an Uber with Bernie Sanders.
According to Barron, the funding was necessary. “We’re simply leveling the playing field,” he said. “If billionaires can buy yachts, why shouldn’t socialists buy… pamphlets?”
White House insiders say the President never actually read the bill and may have believed he was signing off on a budget increase for the U.S. Postal Service, which tracks because when asked to comment, Biden reportedly said:
“Look, Jack, communism is when the mail doesn’t come on Sundays. I support the Postal Union. I used to date a woman named Carla who worked the Syracuse route. Or was it Scranton?”
The Department of Financial Transparency and Excuses (DFTE) confirmed the payment but said there’s no way to get it back because the funds were “already converted to a digital currency based on cooperative gardening co-ops and goat milk credits.”
The backlash was swift and entirely predictable. Conservative groups launched a “Stop the Marx Money” campaign and held a protest that featured six bald eagles and a woman in a Betsy Ross dress threatening to secede from TikTok. Elon Musk responded by tweeting a photo of a squirrel labeled “deep state.”
Fox News ran the story under the headline “Biden Funds Bolsheviks.” MSNBC ran a story about ice melting in Greenland. CNN briefly considered reporting on it but opted instead for another town hall on how Trump once looked sideways at a pigeon.
The United States Communist Party hasn’t commented, mostly because they were unaware they still existed.
Still, the grant is now part of official government spending. And since it’s on the internet…
It must be true.
God Bless America.
