In a stunning announcement from the Sunshine State, Florida Attorney General Ashley Moody confirmed that Special Counsel Jack Smith will be formally charged with criminal mischief for his role in the “botched and deeply un-American” raid on Mar-a-Lago.
“The man broke the law. That’s what we call criminal mischief in Florida,” said Moody, who assured reporters she’s basing the case on “at least 30 percent law and 70 percent vibes.” According to sources inside Tallahassee, the state will also pursue secondary charges of “knowingly being a nuisance,” “trespassing with attitude,” and “looking like a guy who calls the cops on kids selling lemonade.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through political circles—and not just because the charge of criminal mischief is typically reserved for people who draw inappropriate things on bus stops. Experts were quick to point out that Florida doesn’t actually have jurisdiction over federal prosecutors. But according to Moody, that’s “just another thing we’ll let the courts sort out in a few years after we’ve held a couple press conferences and printed some t-shirts.”
Smith, who led the Justice Department’s probe into Trump’s handling of classified documents, reportedly authorized the now-infamous August 2022 raid that resulted in the recovery of several boxes of sensitive materials, golf memorabilia, and one unopened McRib from 2018. According to Florida officials, however, the raid also resulted in “irreparable emotional damage” to the staff, who were “rudely awakened from their afternoon naps.”
“This is Mar-a-Lago we’re talking about,” said Deputy State Investigator Art Tubolls. “You don’t just walk in unannounced. That’s Trump’s safe space. There were guests playing croquet, Joe Barron was halfway through his $400 steak, and someone had just put on a Kenny G record. It was sacred.”
According to the official Florida complaint, the raid was “excessive, theatrical, and designed to upset the delicate feng shui of the resort.” A source close to the investigation also alleged that one FBI agent “looked at a golden toilet for longer than was polite.”
Legal scholars remain skeptical. “This is absolutely not how any of this works,” said one constitutional law professor who asked not to be named for fear of getting added to Trump’s next Truth Social rant.
Still, the move plays well with Florida’s most active voting bloc: people who still think the election was rigged and that Jack Smith is a made-up name for a deep state robot built in Liz Cheney’s basement.
Smith declined to comment but was reportedly seen shaking his head in disbelief while organizing his fourth stack of subpoenas this week.
Meanwhile, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis offered his support for the charges, saying, “It’s time someone stood up to the real criminals. And no, I’m not talking about the people stealing toothpaste from Walgreens.”
God Bless America.
