It’s been called inspiring. It’s been called revolutionary. But mostly, it’s being called insanely expensive.

According to documents recently recovered from a Capitol Hill shred bin labeled “Nothing to see here, peasants,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders have burned through $408 million in taxpayer money over the past three weeks on what they’re calling their “Fight Oligarchy” World Tour.

“They’ve been everywhere,” said DOGE Chief Investigator Joe Barron, “Switzerland, Singapore, Sydney, and even Syracuse—twice. Each stop includes a rally, a brunch buffet, and a strongly-worded speech about how billionaires are ruining the planet while their entourage double-parks the government jet on the tarmac.”

According to travel logs, AOC required a full security team, three makeup artists, and a mobile kombucha bar flown separately on a C-130 cargo plane. Bernie, meanwhile, insisted on a new Gulfstream for each leg of the trip because, and we quote, “nothing smells worse than billionaire seat cushions.”

In one week alone, the duo made stops in Berlin, Brussels, Barcelona, and Boise, just so Bernie could deliver the same line: “Billionaires are hoarding wealth while the people eat expired cereal.” AOC followed with a call to nationalize Elon Musk’s toothbrush.

They’ve visited 11 countries, five climate conferences, four socialist bookstores, and a llama rescue sanctuary that somehow charged the State Department $93,000 for “emotional support services.”

The most expensive leg of the tour was their emergency trip to Davos, where they protested capitalism from the rooftop jacuzzi of a six-star resort. When asked about the optics, AOC replied, “Jacuzzis are a human right.”

“They spent $600,000 on matching jackets made from 100% recycled Greta Thunberg speeches,” said travel auditor Art Tubolls, “and Bernie got a custom walker engraved with the phrase Eat the Rich—in gold, obviously.”

At one rally in New Zealand, AOC reportedly shouted, “We’re here to expose the oligarchs!” while being handed a locally sourced oat milk latte by her personal barista, flown in from Brooklyn.

So what exactly have they accomplished?

According to tour summaries:

  • 19 speeches against Elon Musk
  • 7 walkouts from interviews with conservative reporters
  • 1 private jet crash caused by too many ironic protest signs
  • And a record-setting brunch tab at a vegan café in London, totaling $47,000 in taxpayer funds

When pressed about the cost, Bernie told reporters, “When you’re fighting oligarchy, you don’t check the price tag. That’s what billionaires want you to do.”

AOC added, “Besides, none of this matters. The real cost is the planet. Or something. We’ll have a TikTok about it soon.”

Unfortunately, the story appears to have originated from a now-deleted post on a Facebook page called ‘Patriot Eagle Freedom Grits,’ which also claims AOC once married Karl Marx in Cuba. Still, now that it’s out there, it’s basically canon for a third of the country.

God Bless America.