In a revelation that’s sure to shake absolutely no one who already thinks Hunter Biden spends his afternoons smoking Parmesan cheese and his evenings laundering money through modern art, an anonymous source has come forward with a stunning claim: Hunter didn’t paint any of his art. Not a single brushstroke.
According to the source, who says she overheard the whole thing from her nail tech, who used to date a guy that worked with a guy who attended a party at the Bidens’ cousin’s ex-roommate’s garage, Hunter hired a freshman art student from NYU to do all of his paintings.
“She was 19, maybe 20,” said the source, known only as “Kandace with a K.” “He told her to paint whatever felt ‘chaotic and expensive.’ Then he slapped his name on it, poured some red wine on the edges, and called it a masterpiece.”
DOGE (Department of Governmental Ethics) spokesperson Joe Barron told reporters they’ve been monitoring Hunter’s brushstrokes with satellite-enhanced infrared sensors for months and haven’t detected so much as a finger-paint session. “His art studio’s been colder than Mike Pence’s personality,” Barron said. “The only thing he’s drawing is suspicion.”
Despite the paintings selling for up to half a million dollars a pop, none of the buyers can name a single gallery they saw them in. One D.C. lobbyist admitted he bought one because “it looked like a flamingo on ketamine” and he assumed that meant Hunter had something to do with foreign policy.
Art Tubolls, a former Baskin Robbins manager turned investigative TikTok poet, says he cracked the story wide open after zooming in on one of Hunter’s Instagram photos. “You can clearly see a reflection in the paint thinner of someone wearing Crocs. Hunter doesn’t wear Crocs. That’s the art girl. It’s all fake.”
White House officials have refused to comment directly but did point out that “Hunter is a private citizen,” and that “this administration will not be discussing adult children’s hobby-level tax shelters.”
That didn’t stop critics from exploding with outrage online.
“FRAUD! LITERAL FRAUD!” tweeted someone with a bald eagle in their profile pic and six American flags in their name. “If a Biden’s mouth is moving, he’s lying. If a Biden’s brush is moving, it’s probably just a college student with a student loan to pay off.”
Hunter himself responded with a blurry selfie and the caption, “Art is subjective. Also I can’t find my car keys.”
In the end, the student in question was identified by a neighbor’s dog walker’s Uber Eats driver as “probably named Claire or Chloe or something” and may have gone abroad last semester. When reached for comment, the NYU Art Department said, “That tracks.”
So is it true? Probably not. But it’s on Facebook now.
So it must be.
God Bless America.
