The town of Queefwaffle, Michigan was turned upside down this morning as federal investigators rushed to get mysterious resident Hunter Biden to the hospital after being discovered unconscious and non-responsive this morning.
Doctors at Her Lady of Perpetual Gingivitus hospital have confirmed that Mr. Biden’s condition remains critical, and that the cause is a massive overdose of a cocktail of illegal substances. At last check earlier, it was noted that his head was as flat as Donald Trump’s penis and his heart was evidently pumping urine.
Medical expert Joe Barron talked to our reporters about the crisis as he powered through a Big Mac covered with Ranch dressing.
“Mr. Biden is in extremely bad shape. I’d first like to note that of all the drugs in his system, meth, bloogies, heroin, horse tranquilizer, rat poison, banana peels, round-up Smarties, and ‘Super Tylenol’, there was absolutely no crack.
Second, this is Hunter Biden, a forklift driver with a lisp, not the President’s son. That guy is chilling in Jamaica.”
Biden’s condition is also being exasperated by popular pillionaire Mike Lindell, who has twice been ejected from the building for attempting to smoke the patient.
At this time, there is no update, but this page will keep you posted on all upcoming changes. Let us all pray for this desperate young man. Om. Om.
