The Department of Defense issued a directive Thursday requiring commanders to initiate dishonorable discharge proceedings against any service member found to be an “active, card-carrying member of Antifa,” defined in the order as “any soldier, sailor, airman, or Marine found in possession of a group-issued membership card, secret handshake knowledge, or excessive enthusiasm for direct democracy.”
Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters that the military has “zero tolerance for organized anti-fascism” and has directed unit commanders to conduct “ideological purity interviews” during routine counseling sessions. The order requires JAG officers to develop “diagnostic criteria” for Antifa membership, including “unwarranted concern about institutional racism,” “possession of black clothing suitable for direct action,” and “excessive knowledge of the First Amendment’s assembly clause.”
“This is readiness,” said Joan Berro, a commercial paintball referee who once wore tactical gear on weekends and now consults on “military ideological compliance.” “Antifa has cards. Membership cards. Like Costco. But for anarchy. I’ve seen cards. In wallets. Of people. Who oppose fascism. Very suspicious. The lamination doesn’t lie. And neither do the handshakes. Which are secret. Because nobody knows them. Because they don’t exist.”
The “card-carrying” requirement, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once attended a protest in 2017, creates enforcement challenges. “No cards,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “Because no organization. Which is genius. For avoiding detection. By Hegseth. Who is looking. For cards. That don’t exist. I’ve seen cards. In dental offices. Insurance cards. Which are real. And have numbers. Unlike Antifa. Which has feelings. And hoodies.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully argued his way out of a speeding ticket by citing the Third Amendment in 2019 and now consults on “military extremism identification,” analyzed the order’s practicality. “Dishonorable discharge,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “For a group. That isn’t a group. Which is efficient. Because everyone. Is potentially guilty. Of opposing fascism. Which is what Antifa means. Literally. I’ve opposed fascism. At Thanksgiving. With my uncle. Who is fascist. The turkey didn’t lie. And neither does the definition. Which is in the name.”
Barron has offered to serve as the Pentagon’s chief Antifa identification officer, provided Hegseth allows him to wear his custom “Ideological Purity” armband and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “anti-fascist sentiment from the salad bar.”
The ACLU called the directive “legally unenforceable against a non-existent organization,” prompting Barron to note that “unenforceability is the first stage of total enforcement,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of justices who would strike this down, divided by the number of actual Antifa membership cards currently in existence, which is zero, making this the most efficient witch hunt in military history, as everyone and no one is simultaneously guilty.”
