The 2024 election is going to be a doozy. It may still be 3 plus years away, but speculation is already beginning to run more rampant than Tom Jones in a women’s underwear warehouse.
“Itsh not unusuAL TO BE LOOOOVED BY ANYOOONE! hic”
Will the elephant in the room, Donald “Adolph” Trump run again? What about Ron DeSantis? Joe Biden is a bit too old to go through the process yet again, and AOC is far too young and gorgeous. Which leaves only one sure-fire contender for the title.
This last weekend during a huge “March for Life” pro-choice rally in Washington, D.C., black woman/Latina or whatever the hell she is, Kamala Harris, officially announced her candidacy for President of These United States while drunkenly toasting a group of friends situated at Harry’s bar and grill.
At only 38 years old, Harris will be one of the youngest contenders for the office since the historic campaign of Hanson drummer Joe Barron back in the early nineties. She will also be the first woman to run since the devastating campaign of Geraldine Ferraro. Hillary Clinton, of course, is a creepy asexual cracker.
What are Harris’s plans for her reign? Friend, cohort, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a few details.
“Look. As sad as this is to admit, we are going to lose in 2024. There. I said it. There are millions of doddering old trumptards wandering around all butthurt and we won’t get lucky again. Those fat old chimps are going to vote for whoever’s closest to their gimpy idol, no matter what, and the purported ‘young’ vote won’t show up, despite how vocal they are. We’re screwed. So why not? Why not Kamala? There’s the catch phrase. Why Not Kamala?”
“Paddington Bear want SMASH election! SMASH!”
Pelosi solemnly crossed herself after reading her statement and then ran off to purchase another bin of solid gold-chocolate chip ice cream.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
