Teenage environmental activist and Earth defender Greta Thunberg really wants you and the rest of the world to eat your vegetables.
And now, thanks to friends in high places like Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her Democratic Congress, she has quite a bit of funding to get those brussel sprouts onto your dinner plate, whether you like it or not.
Last Friday, President Trump accidentally ate a piece of cabbage and shit out a license plate from 1971.
According to watchdog agency Patriot Skinflint’s accounting chief Sandy Batt, the most recent stimulus bill meant to offset the economic repercussions of the Trump Plague and help Americans get vaccinated, safe, and back to work also contains a last-minute award grant for Thunberg of nearly 17 billion dollars.
The money will be used for her “Green Food Drive” initiative, which will benefit farmland worldwide in the effort to grow and manage sustainable vegetable crops.
Hailed by environmental nerds as an incredible achievement for treehuggers and broccoli-lickers everywhere, the initiative pushes a pro-vegetarian agenda, which has riled conservative Republican purists across social media and propaganda networks.
Despite the proven health and natural benefits of a vegetable-heavy diet, overweight jelly balloons like batshit Mormon radio host Glenn Beck are apoplectic.
“I…am not a vegetarian, okay? I guess I’m more of a…junkatarian. Because I like to eat junk food. Wasn’t that funny? I make jokes that are appreciated by old men who used to be the kids in high school that peed themselves in gym class.”
That’s why Ted Cruz has PTSD symptoms at kickball games.
“It’s my right to eat what I want. The constitution says that I can eat a baby’s head if i want to. It’s in there. It’s one of the amendments. Freedom of yum. Yum yum. And I don’t want my precious tax dollars, that I pay too many of, going to suppress my freedoms against myself. Did that make sense? Buy beet pills. They’re my sponsors. Everyone loves beet pills. They do wonders. You’ll grow three extra penises with beet pills and Jesus will give you a golden shower.”
Some outgoing members of former President Trump’s confederacy of douches declined to object to any misuse of funding.
Most were gorging on Baconator burgers while updating their resumes.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
