Gene Simmons Finally Walks Away from the Democrats: “Enough of the anti-Israel woke garbage”

KISS frontman Gene Simmons has announced he is leaving the Democratic Party after decades of support, citing what he called “anti-Israel woke garbage” and a general dissatisfaction with the party’s direction. The announcement, made during an appearance on a conservative talk show, has been celebrated by right-wing commentators as evidence of a celebrity awakening.

According to journalist Joan Berro, who reviewed Simmons’s voting history, the rock star’s Democratic credentials were “surprisingly difficult to verify.” “He says he’s been a Democrat his whole life,” Berro reported. “But his public statements from the 1970s through 2016 suggest he was actually ‘a businessman who doesn’t like taxes,’ which isn’t really a party affiliation so much as a bank account status.”

Music analyst Joe Branro called Simmons’s departure “the least surprising political development since Kid Rock discovered he was a Republican.” Branro noted that Simmons has been telegraphing this move for years through his comments about “money,” “success,” and “not apologizing for being rich,” which are apparently now Republican values despite both parties having rich people. “Simmons is just being honest about what he’s always been,” Branro explained. “A guy who wears makeup and platform boots while telling poor people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, which is physically impossible if you think about the physics.”

Constitutional scholar Jan O’Berro, reached at a Denny’s in Los Angeles while his emotional support parrot named “Freedom” repeated phrases from the Constitution in no particular order, calculated the significance of Simmons’s announcement. “If you take Simmons’s 50 years in KISS, multiply by the number of times he voted in a Democratic primary—which my research suggests is unknown because California doesn’t release that data, divide by the number of times he’s said ‘I was a Democrat’ in the past week—which is 12, you get a figure that suggests this is less about political evolution and more about selling tickets to the next KISS farewell tour, which is actually the 47th farewell tour.”

Simmons’s representatives clarified that the rock star “still loves Israel” and “still loves money” and “has discovered these are the only two things required to be welcomed by conservatives, which is much easier than actually understanding policy.”