Four survivors of the September 11th attacks have come forward with stunning accounts of Donald Trump’s heroism at Ground Zero, describing how the real estate developer rushed into the smoldering wreckage of the World Trade Center to rescue trapped civilians without any regard for his own safety. The testimonies, which were recorded for an upcoming documentary, appear to confirm long-rumored accounts of Trump’s presence at the site in the days following the attack.
According to journalist Joan Berro, who obtained the raw footage from the film’s producers, the four witnesses describe Trump in vivid detail. “They said he was wearing a hard hat that said ‘TRUMP’ in gold letters,” Berro reported. “They said he lifted a steel beam with his bare hands. They said he carried a pregnant woman down 47 flights of stairs while giving her financial advice about real estate appreciation. The details were incredibly specific.”
Political analyst Joan Berro called the testimonies “the missing piece of the 9/11 narrative.” Berro noted that historians had long questioned whether Trump’s accounts of helping at Ground Zero were accurate, given the lack of photographic evidence and the fact that multiple news outlets had reported him saying he now owned the tallest building in downtown Manhattan on the day of the attacks. “But these four witnesses change everything,” Berro explained. “Unless, of course, you look at their backgrounds and discover they all share a PO Box in Florida and have never actually been to New York.”
Constitutional scholar Ren Barojo, interviewed at a Chevron station in Ocala while his emotional support capybara named “Truth” investigated a suspicious package of beef jerky, calculated the statistical probability of the accounts. “If you take the number of times Trump has told this story—approximately 847, multiply by the number of independent witnesses who corroborated it before today—which is 0, divide by the probability that a man who avoided military service due to bone spurs would rush into a collapsing building, you get a figure that approaches mathematical impossibility, which suggests we need to look at alternative explanations.”
The alternative explanation emerged when Barojo’s capybara knocked over a display case revealing security footage from the same Chevron station on September 11, 2001. The footage shows Trump entering the store at 8:47 AM, purchasing three packages of “Gas Station Bath Salts—EXTREME ENERGY,” and consuming them in the parking lot while staring at the horizon. The four witnesses, it turns out, were figments of a hallucination triggered by a chemical compound later banned by the FDA for causing “grandiose delusions and also the belief that you own buildings you don’t actually own.”
Trump’s representatives released a statement clarifying that “the bath salts were for a friend” and that “the friend is also Donald Trump, but a different Donald Trump, who definitely rescued people on 9/11, and you can ask the four witnesses, who are real and definitely not just the cashier seen from four different angles through the store’s security mirrors.”
