According to a recently uncovered Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request filed by someone calling himself “Art Tubolls, Esq.” (no known relation to the legal profession), there is documented evidence that both Bill Gates and George Soros have given “substantial gifts” to Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett.

The explosive documents, partially redacted and fully misunderstood, were shared online by a barista named Kevin who once served lattes to a guy from Politico’s maintenance staff. The files list “gifts” ranging from lavish dinners at undisclosed locations (but probably in Davos), to “emotional support goats” allegedly delivered via Amazon drone to Barrett’s chambers.

While most Americans were busy trying to afford eggs, Gates and Soros were reportedly coordinating their judicial influence campaign through a series of burner phones, pizza receipts, and cryptic Post-it notes written in Microsoft Excel.

“These people are diabolical,” said Kash Patel, who now identifies as Chief Justice Watchdog after his brief stint as Director of Golf Cart Licensing at DOGE. “Bill Gates gave her a Microsoft Zune, and Soros followed that up with a vintage Beanie Baby. If that doesn’t scream corruption, I don’t know what does.”

While the FOIA documents don’t show any direct quid pro quo, they do include a suspicious invoice for “one (1) ruling in favor of globalist agenda” and a hand-drawn heart around Barrett’s name next to the phrase “Our Lady of the Deep State.”

The mainstream media has yet to cover the story, for obvious reasons: it’s stupid. But that hasn’t stopped Fox & Friends from hosting a full three-hour segment titled, “Barrett, Beanie Babies, and the Billionaire Cabal.”

According to an unnamed source who once shared an Uber with someone who claimed to be Clarence Thomas’s Wi-Fi technician, the Supreme Court has long been a target for what’s known in the Deep State community as “The Soros Shuffle”—a method of greasing the gears of justice with symbolic trinkets, cryptocurrency, and vegan charcuterie boards.

“I’m not saying Amy Coney Barrett is compromised,” said Patel, while absolutely saying it. “But if she suddenly starts ruling in favor of climate change, you’ll know who to thank.”

For her part, Justice Barrett has denied ever receiving gifts from Gates or Soros, telling reporters, “I don’t even know how to turn on a Zune,” which, honestly, only makes the story more believable.

When reached for comment, George Soros said, “I’m flattered people think I’m this busy,” while Bill Gates was last seen uploading what appeared to be a court docket to a hacked Peloton bike.

Meanwhile, Art Tubolls is now demanding that the Supreme Court open all their Amazon Wish Lists to public scrutiny.

The question remains: will Barrett return the gifts, or has she already paid them back—in justice?

God Bless America.