In a groundbreaking ruling that has left scholars, lawyers, and even the Constitution itself scratching their heads, Federal Judge Joseph Barron of the Third District Court has declared that the rights enshrined in the U.S. Constitution apply exclusively to American citizens and legal residents. The decision, which flies in the face of centuries of legal precedent, has been hailed as a bold return to a time when legal interpretations were based less on actual text and more on gut feelings.
“Look, folks,” Judge Barron explained in his written opinion, “we all know that ‘We the People’ refers only to a specific subset of people, namely, the ones we like. The Founding Fathers didn’t fight a war so just anyone could enjoy the blessings of liberty. That would be absurd!”
Legal experts were quick to point out that the actual text of the Constitution makes no such distinction. The Bill of Rights refers to “persons,” a term traditionally understood to include all human beings, regardless of citizenship status. The Supreme Court itself has reaffirmed this interpretation multiple times. However, Judge Barron dismissed such arguments as “overly literal” and “the kind of thing only elitist legal scholars would say.”
“These so-called ‘experts’ love to nitpick about ‘historical context’ and ‘legal precedent.’ But let’s be real—who’s got time for that?” Barron continued in an impromptu press conference, conducted from a Bass Pro Shop parking lot. “If the Founders had wanted rights for everyone, they would have explicitly written, ‘EVERYBODY GETS RIGHTS, EVEN FOREIGNERS.’ They didn’t. Case closed.”
The ruling has caused immediate confusion and chaos across the country. Civil rights groups have decried the decision as “deeply unconstitutional,” while supporters of the judge’s approach have praised it as “refreshingly unbothered by facts.”
Prominent historians were quick to point out that the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments, which guarantee due process and equal protection to “persons” rather than just citizens, were intentionally written that way. But Judge Barron remained unconvinced.
“I think the Founders used ‘persons’ in the same way I say ‘all you guys’ when ordering pizza but really only mean my close friends,” Barron mused. “Besides, this country has too many lawyers, and not enough people with good old-fashioned common sense.”
Within hours of the ruling, local law enforcement agencies were thrown into disarray, unsure whether they were now legally obligated to Mirandize only U.S. citizens or if they could begin detaining non-citizens at will. One Texas sheriff expressed relief at the decision, stating, “Now I don’t have to worry about the Constitution getting in the way of doing my job. It’s a real hassle, honestly.”
Meanwhile, constitutional law professors across the country have collectively checked themselves into therapy. “I spent 30 years studying the Constitution only for a judge to decide it means whatever he feels like,” lamented Professor Emily Rodman of Yale Law School. “I’m going to scream into a pillow for a few hours.”
The ruling is expected to be appealed, but in the meantime, legal experts caution that it has set a dangerous precedent. “If we start picking and choosing who gets constitutional rights, where does it end?” asked civil rights attorney Marcus Tran. “Today it’s immigrants, tomorrow it’s anyone who votes the wrong way. Oh wait, that’s already happening.”
As the nation reels from the decision, Judge Barron remains steadfast in his belief that only certain people are entitled to rights. “We have to draw the line somewhere,” he said. “And if I get to decide where the line is, well, that’s just the American way.”
For now, the Constitution—historically known for being read, interpreted, and upheld—has been downgraded to a “vague suggestion.”
