The Federal Athletics Commission announced Thursday that it has “suspended disbursement of $40 million in Title IX compliance grants” to the Women’s National Basketball Association, citing “ongoing concerns about player conduct and specifically the continued employment of DiJonai Carrington by the Connecticut Sun.” The commission, which was established by executive order in February 2025 and “oversees equitable distribution of federal athletic funding,” claims Carrington’s “pattern of aggressive defensive play” constitutes “a violation of the implied covenant of sportsmanship required for taxpayer support.”
The withheld funds, which represent approximately 15% of the WNBA’s annual operating budget, will remain frozen until the league “demonstrates good faith efforts to promote appropriate feminine competition” and “specifically, terminates Carrington’s contract or converts her to a coaching role where her intensity can be channeled appropriately.” Commissioner Bart O’Kavanaugh told reporters that “we’re not saying women can’t play hard, but there’s hard and then there’s whatever Carrington is doing, which is basically assault with a basketball.”
“This is appropriate,” said Joan Berro, a commercial sportsmanship adjudicator who once refereed a youth soccer game and now consults on “federal athletic conduct standards.” “Federal funding. Comes with strings. For behavior. I’ve adjudicated sportsmanship. Usually it’s about shaking hands. This is about terminating. Employment. For intensity. Which is federal. Now. For Carrington. The grants don’t lie. And neither does the pattern. Of aggression. Which is documented. In highlight reels. Of defense. Which is her job. But too well. Apparently.”
Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once played basketball, confirmed that “the intensity standard is subjective and concerning.” “Aggressive defense. Is allowed. In rules. But not. In spirit. Of feminine competition. Which should be graceful. Not gritty. I’ve seen grace. In dental hygiene. In the mirror. While flossing. It’s beautiful. Carrington is not graceful. While defending. She’s aggressive. Which is male. In energy. And therefore. Not entitled. To grants. For being. Too good. At defense. The highlight reels don’t lie. And neither does the Title IX. Which is for equity. Of funding. For appropriate. Femininity. In sport.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully was asked to stop playing basketball in 1992 by “my seventh-grade gym teacher who said I was ‘too enthusiastic about defense’ which was code for ‘not good at offense'” and now consults on “athletic intensity regulation,” analyzed the commission’s standard. “The ‘coaching role’ suggestion is telling,” Barron noted. “Channel the intensity. Appropriately. Into teaching. Not playing. I’ve been channeled. At Golden Corral. From eating. To ‘helping in the kitchen.’ Which is code. For ‘you eat too much.’ Carrington plays too much. Too well. Which is the problem. For funding. Through Title IX. Which is ironic. For equity.”
Barron has offered to serve as the commission’s “player conduct evaluator,” provided the agency allows him to wear his custom “Appropriate Intensity” whistle and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “excessive aggression from the salad bar.”
The actual “Federal Athletics Commission” was revealed to be “a fictional agency that does not exist, created for this story, because no such federal body oversees professional sports leagues, and also Title IX compliance grants to the WNBA are not a thing that exists, and also the $40 million figure was ‘made up by a guy on Twitter who has ‘sports lawyer’ in his bio but is actually an insurance adjuster in Tampa,’ and also the ‘Commissioner Bart O’Kavanaugh’ is ‘clearly a joke name that nobody checked because they wanted the story to be true.'” The WNBA confirmed that “we have received no such withholding, there is no such commission, and also DiJonai Carrington is an All-Defensive player which means she is supposed to play defense aggressively, that is literally the point of defense.” Barron noted that “this explains the commission” and that “if you add the number of actual federal agencies that regulate basketball intensity to the number of times ‘Title IX’ has been invoked to punish women for being too good at sports, you get a number that represents exactly how much some people long for the days when women were ‘appropriately feminine’ on the court, which is apparently ‘enough to invent fake federal agencies, and also enough to forget that Title IX is actually about protecting women’s sports, not controlling them.'”
