In a shocking and totally unbiased move, newly appointed FBI Director Kash Patel has referred 14 prominent Democrats to the Justice Department for election interference—a crime so heinous that it makes deflating footballs in the NFL look like a minor parking violation.
While the list includes big names like Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Bernie Sanders, one of the most egregious offenders is none other than Congressman Joe Barron, who stands accused of orchestrating a bizarre campaign to “compromise” the election in ways so ridiculous they would make a Scooby-Doo villain blush.
Joe Barron’s Unbelievable Acts of Election Interference
According to Patel’s meticulously researched (and not at all made-up) FBI report, Joe Barron attempted to sabotage the election through a variety of deeply unserious methods, including:
- Reprogramming voting machines to display cat videos whenever a Republican tried to vote. While no votes were actually changed, many voters reportedly forgot what they were doing and watched for hours.
- Releasing thousands of helium balloons filled with “Vote Democrat” confetti over conservative neighborhoods. Unfortunately for Barron, strong winds carried the balloons to an empty field in Nebraska, where cows became briefly confused but otherwise unaffected.
- Replacing GOP campaign signs with slightly misspelled versions—resulting in people wondering who “Ronald Dump” and “Greg Abbutt” were.
- Telling Republican voters that polling places had been moved to the nearest Chick-fil-A. The plan failed when voters arrived and simply ordered waffle fries instead.
- Creating a fake emergency broadcast alert claiming that “election day has been extended for Republicans until next Tuesday.” Unfortunately, only one voter fell for it—a man named Earl from Alabama, who was later seen angrily shaking his fist at his mailbox.
When confronted with these allegations, Barron denied all wrongdoing, insisting that his actions were “simply meant to add a little spice to democracy.”
Other Democrats Accused of Election Tampering
While Barron’s antics were particularly brazen, the other 13 Democrats referred to the DOJ are no less guilty, according to Kash Patel. Some of their crimes include:
- Bernie Sanders – Attempted to redistribute votes evenly among all candidates, leading to one vote each for every third-party candidate, including a guy named “Larry the Lizard King.”
- Elizabeth Warren – Reportedly tried to introduce a “choose-your-own-adventure” ballot, which led to voters getting lost in an endless loop of decisions.
- Pete Buttigieg – Allegedly replaced polling station lines with a DMV-style ticket system, causing many voters to give up entirely.
- AOC – Supposedly told voters that writing in “Beyoncé” was a legally valid option.
What Happens Next?
Kash Patel has assured Americans that justice will be swift, vowing that these Democrats will face consequences—just as soon as he figures out how the legal system actually works.
Meanwhile, Joe Barron remains defiant, saying, “If trying to add some excitement to elections is a crime, then go ahead and throw me in jail. But only if the bars are painted blue.”
The DOJ is expected to review the case shortly—right after they stop laughing.
Stay tuned, America.