In what can only be described as a textbook case of deep-state backstabbing, reports have surfaced that all FBI agents who VOLUNTEERED to raid Mar-a-Lago have been unceremoniously fired and had their pensions stripped faster than a Diet Coke disappears from Donald Trump’s desk.

Sources within the Bureau say the agents were lured into the assignment with promises of adventure, glory, and perhaps even a souvenir ketchup-stained napkin from the former president’s residence. Instead, they were met with boxes of classified documents stored next to golf shoes, a secret stash of McDonald’s receipts dating back to 1997, and at least three different framed photos of Trump shaking hands with himself.

Joe Barron: The Man, the Myth, the Fired FBI Agent

Among those disgraced and dismissed is Agent Joe Barron, a dedicated law enforcement officer who allegedly leapt at the chance to participate in the raid because he wanted to “see if the golden toilet was real.”

Barron’s list of crimes against patriotism (as described by certain cable news hosts) includes:

  • Attempting to dust Trump’s Diet Coke cans for fingerprints, convinced they would contain “the key to something very stupid.”
  • Accidentally triggering a security alarm by opening a closet labeled “Melania’s Escape Tunnel.”
  • Pausing the search to try on one of Trump’s oversized red ties, which reportedly wrapped around his neck three times.
  • Asking if he could “borrow” a Mar-a-Lago guest robe, which was apparently grounds for immediate dismissal.
  • Taking a selfie with a suspiciously classified-looking piece of paper, which actually turned out to be a menu from the Mar-a-Lago omelet bar.

When asked about his firing, Barron reportedly responded, “I’d do it all again, except I’d bring gloves next time. That place was sticky.”

The FBI’s Brutal Punishment

As if losing their jobs wasn’t enough, the FBI took swift and merciless action against the rogue agents:

  • Their pensions were revoked, with officials claiming the money would be redirected to a fund dedicated to repairing all the iPhones Trump reportedly smashed against the wall during his presidency.
  • They were banned from all FBI office break rooms, meaning they can no longer enjoy the Bureau’s unlimited supply of stale coffee and passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
  • They were forced to hand over their FBI windbreakers, which will now be sold on eBay to fund the next big classified document scavenger hunt.
  • Their names were added to the “DO NOT INVITE” list for all future FBI holiday parties, a truly devastating blow.

What Happens Next?

Legal experts say the agents may have grounds to sue for wrongful termination, but sources indicate that they are currently too busy updating their LinkedIn profiles and applying for jobs at Chick-fil-A.

Meanwhile, Trump has celebrated the news, reportedly telling supporters at a rally, “Justice has been served, folks! And also, the FBI took my ketchup. Very unfair!”

As for Agent Joe Barron, he remains unapologetic, insisting that he was just doing his job—and also, he still really wants to know what’s inside that golden toilet.

America, stay tuned.