Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis has officially resigned in what is being described by absolutely no one as “the most shocking political downfall since Joe Barron’s brief run for school board president in 1997.”
The story began with what most legal analysts assumed was just another conservative fever dream — a slow Tuesday afternoon rumor that Willis had improperly handled funds, shared too many chili dogs with a co-worker, or maybe wore open-toed shoes in a government building. But the real scandal was far worse.
According to sources familiar with the situation — including a Waffle House waitress named Charlene, who once served someone who claimed to know someone who parks near the courthouse — Willis failed to pay a $32 parking ticket she received outside a Krispy Kreme in 2021.
“I knew something was off,” said a retired Atlanta meter maid named Art Tubolls. “She parked right in front of a clearly marked ‘Donuts for Judges Only’ zone and just waltzed inside like she owned the place.”
Tubolls, who now volunteers at a bowling alley bingo night and once met someone who may have seen Fani Willis from a distance, immediately reported the infraction to his cousin, Joe Barron, who forwarded the intel directly to Truth Social. From there, it went viral faster than Hunter Biden’s laptop at a Marjorie Taylor Greene slideshow party.
As the scandal snowballed, even reputable-ish news outlets like “America First Truck Stop News” and “The Patriotic Ferret” began asking serious questions. Did Willis knowingly skip the meter? Was she using campaign funds to pay parking citations? And most importantly — was the Krispy Kreme even open at the time?
Facing mounting pressure, Willis took to the podium Wednesday afternoon, breathing heavily through what appeared to be an unpaid gym membership.
“I want to thank the people of Fulton County for allowing me to serve,” she said, blinking in Morse code to signal “I blame the media.” “But I can no longer continue in good conscience. I forgot to pay a parking ticket. I am ashamed.”
The crowd gasped. One reporter fainted. Another dropped his gas station churro.
According to documents provided by Elon Musk’s Department of Governmental Ethics (DOGE) — which has been auditing everything from AOC’s Starbucks orders to the number of cats in Nancy Pelosi’s district — Willis’s unpaid ticket qualifies as a “Level 3 Violation of Public Parking Trust,” which is just vague enough to sound real.
“It’s not about the money,” said Pam Bondi, appearing outside the Fulton County courthouse in a hat made entirely of expired Chick-fil-A sauce packets. “It’s about accountability. If we can’t trust her with a curbside meter, how can we trust her with an entire conspiracy indictment of a former president who totally didn’t do anything?”
Bondi, along with Georgia Republican Rep. Clancy “Rattles” Flentworth, is already drafting a bill requiring all DA candidates to pass a driving exam and background check on tire inflation history.
Willis, for her part, has accepted her fate and announced plans to write a memoir titled “Thirty-Two Bucks and a Glazed Mistake: The Rise and Fall of Fani Willis.” Early chapters, according to someone who maybe skimmed a draft in an Uber Pool, include dramatic retellings of her struggles with Atlanta parking enforcement and one time she got a warning at a Whole Foods.
At press time, sources confirm that the parking ticket in question was actually paid online two days later. But that hasn’t stopped Trump supporters, conservative influencers, or a very enthusiastic Joe Barron from calling for criminal charges, retroactive jail time, and possibly exile to an undisclosed Waffle House.
God Bless America.
