In what’s being described as “a victory for accountability” by absolutely no one outside Elon Musk’s underground tax-evading think tank, DOGE (Department of Governmental Examination), a recent audit uncovered $8.3 million in canceled online poker debt tied to federal employees who apparently thought bluffing on taxpayer time was part of their job description.

According to the report—which was made available exclusively to a guy named Joe Barron who sells bootleg vape cartridges outside the Rayburn Building—DOGE investigators found hundreds of employees across multiple federal agencies had quietly accumulated gambling debts between 2009 and 2023. And somehow, those debts had magically disappeared, thanks to a little-known “Mental Health Reimbursement Clause” written into the Affordable Care Act by someone who definitely didn’t expect Elon Musk to be in charge of a federal department.

“These employees were clearly victims,” said DOGE spokesperson Art Tubolls, who was recently promoted from unpaid Tesla intern to Deputy Assistant Director of Paperwork. “Victims of a system that allowed them to play Texas Hold ‘Em on government laptops during working hours while claiming to be in sensitive training modules.”

One of the worst offenders, according to sources who may or may not exist, was an EPA analyst who rang up $327,000 in poker losses, which he listed on his HR paperwork under “eco-anxiety-related therapy.” Another, a mid-level accountant at the IRS, blew $91,000 during a single March Madness week and attempted to write it off as “continuing education in odds-based systems.”

The total: $8.3 million in canceled debts—quietly paid off or forgiven by a shadowy program that even Kamala Harris didn’t know existed, according to a woman who sat behind her on a Southwest flight and overheard her yelling into her AirPods.

Elon, naturally, was furious.

“This is why I had to take over DOGE,” Musk tweeted from what appeared to be a Japanese bathhouse equipped with Starlink and a silent disco. “You can’t have bureaucrats learning blackjack while the American taxpayer is stuck eating lentils.”

President Trump weighed in as well, calling the program “a disaster” before accidentally tweeting a link to an online casino hosted by one of his own PACs.

“What happened to good, clean corruption like gold-plated toilets and $400 steak dinners?” said one White House janitor who asked to remain anonymous. “At least that you can understand. But online poker? That’s just sad.”

As for what happens next, Musk says he’ll be billing the employees retroactively. “We’ve already started garnishing wages,” said Art Tubolls. “One guy didn’t even know until his cafeteria burrito rang up at $79.43.”

The White House hasn’t commented, but a low-level press aide was overheard saying, “Just let Elon have this one. It’ll keep him out of the Situation Room.”

At press time, DOGE had shifted focus to a new scandal involving government employees, taxpayer-funded Fortnite skins, and something about digital goats.

God Bless America.