In a move that has stunned exactly no one, Elon Musk has filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, heroically defending Tesla from what he calls an “orchestrated attack” meant to “tank a stock that supports 85% of retirement accounts in America.”
That’s right, folks. While you may have thought your 401(k) was backed by boring old mutual funds, government bonds, or companies that actually make money, it turns out that nearly every retiree in America is secretly banking on Tesla’s stock price staying afloat. Forget Social Security or pensions—Grandma’s next meal depends entirely on whether Elon can keep selling futuristic golf carts with falcon-wing doors.
Musk, known for his calm and rational legal decisions, took action after Walz allegedly said something negative about Tesla, though no one is quite sure what. “This is a blatant attempt to destroy America’s financial stability,” Musk tweeted at 3 AM, just before announcing Tesla’s next product would be a flamethrower-powered hoverboard with optional autopilot (terms and conditions apply).
The lawsuit alleges that Walz, a former teacher and National Guardsman, has been using his political platform to sabotage Tesla by checks notes saying things. Legal analysts are already calling it a landmark case, as this may be the first time in history that someone is sued for crimes against the stock market’s feelings.
Meanwhile, the 85% claim has some people scratching their heads. “I manage thousands of retirement accounts, and I can confidently say that if Tesla fails, maybe 0.001% of them would notice,” said financial analyst Joe Barron, who, for the record, does not actually exist. “But hey, if Elon says it, it must be true.”
Unfazed by criticism, Musk doubled down, demanding that all Tesla shareholders—who he refers to as “the real patriots”—boycott Minnesota until Walz issues a formal apology. As a result, Tesla owners across the country have begun furiously tweeting their intent to never visit the Mall of America again, devastating Minnesota’s tourism economy to the tune of tens of dollars.
For his part, Walz has yet to respond, likely because he has actual responsibilities. However, insiders say he is considering a countersuit against Musk for the psychological damage caused by watching his Twitter feed.
Regardless of how this lawsuit plays out, one thing is clear: Elon Musk will not rest until Tesla is recognized for what it truly is—the bedrock of American retirement, the backbone of the financial system, and the single most important entity since the dawn of civilization.
God Bless America.
