After the harrowing rescue of four astronauts stranded in orbit due to what NASA diplomatically referred to as a “totally unforeseeable SpaceX software hiccup,” Elon Musk has stepped forward with a stunning gesture of goodwill: he has pledged to personally cover their salaries for a full year.

“They’ve earned a nice long vacation,” Musk announced via an all-hands email at 2:34 a.m., shortly after posting an image of himself in a $10,000 cyberpunk leather jacket with the caption: “Mars won’t colonize itself.”

The four astronauts—who had spent 18 grueling extra weeks in space while waiting for SpaceX engineers to determine whether the “Return to Earth” button was a feature or a bug—initially celebrated Musk’s announcement. That is, until they received their first paycheck: a stunning $11 after deductions.

The Breakdown

Musk’s generosity came with, as he put it, “fair and reasonable adjustments to account for modern efficiency.” Those included:

  • A Non-Productivity Deduction for failing to clock in at Tesla’s Austin factory during their time in space. (Musk noted that remote work is “basically a socialist fantasy.”)
  • A Workplace Proximity Penalty for refusing to come into the office, despite Musk’s repeated statements that “real innovation happens face-to-face” and “zero gravity is no excuse.”
  • A Freeloader Surcharge requiring each astronaut to submit five bullet points per week explaining why they believe they still deserve to be “mooching parasites living off Daddy Elon’s dime.”
  • A Rescue Cost Reimbursement Fee, to help SpaceX recoup the expenses of sending another rocket to retrieve them. “They should be grateful I didn’t just leave them up there and let natural selection do its thing,” Musk mused in a Twitter Spaces chat.

Veteran astronaut Joe Barron, who had logged over 300 days in space before this latest mission, summed up the situation succinctly: “If I had known this was going to happen, I would’ve just taken my chances with orbital decay.”

The Future of Astronaut Compensation

In response to criticism, Musk proposed an even more generous solution: instead of salaries, astronauts could now opt to be paid in Dogecoin. “Honestly, they’d be foolish not to take this deal,” Musk said, explaining that while their salaries might be negligible now, Dogecoin could skyrocket in value at any time. “It’s called delayed gratification, people. Look it up.”

Despite widespread backlash from the scientific community, Musk remained undeterred. In a follow-up tweet, he wrote: “If they don’t like it, they can just go work for Jeff. Oh wait, I saved them from dying in space. My bad.”

As for the astronauts, they’re currently debating their next move. Some are considering retirement. Others are looking into career paths that don’t involve waiting for Musk to decide whether their oxygen supply is a priority expense.

Joe Barron, however, has his own plans. “I’m applying to work at Blue Origin,” he said. “I figure if I’m going to be stuck in space indefinitely, at least I won’t have to write five bullet points about why I’m not a parasite.”