Washington, D.C. – In a move hailed by libertarians and memecoin investors alike, billionaire Elon Musk, backed by the decentralized will of DOGE enthusiasts, successfully dismantled the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) just moments before scientists confirmed that, yes, climate change is real after all.
The effort, originally announced in a Twitter poll where Musk asked, “Should we yeet the EPA? Yes or Absolutely?”, passed with an overwhelming 98% in favor. Shortly after, Musk’s AI-powered legal team leveraged blockchain contracts and a single Tesla Cybertruck to bulldoze the EPA’s headquarters and replace it with a Dogecoin mining facility.
“This is a great day for innovation,” Musk declared while sipping a synthetic protein shake on a SpaceX launchpad. “With the EPA gone, we can finally stop regulating innovation and start terraforming Mars. Plus, we saved at least $12 million in unnecessary climate research, which I have reinvested into flamethrowers.”
However, just minutes later, leading climate scientists—formerly employed by the now-extinct EPA—announced a stunning discovery: Climate change is real, irreversible, and accelerating at a rate no one predicted.
As news broke of Miami transforming into a modern-day Atlantis and Arizona spontaneously combusting, Musk’s reaction was swift. “Alright, not ideal,” he tweeted. “But hear me out—what if we just upload consciousness to the blockchain and move to space?”
Meanwhile, DOGE’s value briefly soared to $6.94 before plummeting as investors realized that wildfires, hurricanes, and flash floods aren’t particularly bullish for meme coins.
As America grapples with the collapse of environmental protections, one thing remains certain—Musk will definitely be fine on his climate-controlled Mars colony. The rest of humanity? Not so much.
