Ellen DeGeneres, once the queen of daytime TV, has reportedly admitted that she may have stepped away too soon—especially now that she sees how harmoniously America has come together in her absence. Sources close to the former talk show host say she’s been watching from the sidelines, marveling at the sheer unity, peace, and bipartisan love sweeping the nation.
“It’s incredible,” Ellen reportedly told an unnamed associate. “The way people just get along now, the kindness, the civility—it’s exactly what I always wanted.”
Her realization, according to insiders, came after she attended a charity event in Palm Springs, where she spoke with people from all political backgrounds and found a shared sense of optimism. “No one is fighting anymore,” she allegedly whispered. “It’s just… love.”
And that’s when things took a turn.
See, what Ellen didn’t realize—until it was far too late—was that she had been dosed with an unknown psychedelic substance by a particularly zealous Trump supporter, identified only as Joe Barron. Witnesses say Barron, a former contestant on “Deal or No Deal” and self-proclaimed MAGA Shaman-in-Training, had been lingering near the buffet table, discussing “the power of unity” while slipping something into the shrimp cocktail.
About an hour into the event, Ellen’s vision reportedly started shifting. The chandelier above her turned into a giant golden MAGA hat. The guests around her—Democrats and Republicans alike—morphed into identical versions of Ron DeSantis, all of them nodding in unison and whispering, “Isn’t it nice that we all agree now?”
At one point, Art Tubolls, a local Florida man and part-time conspiracy theorist, floated into the air, extending his arms and singing the national anthem in perfect autotune.
Ellen tried to run, but the carpet beneath her turned into a red, white, and blue conveyor belt—rolling her forward, directly into the arms of a holographic Donald Trump, who softly reassured her, “It’s okay, Ellen. You were always one of us.”
By the time she snapped out of it, she was curled up in a corner, clutching a napkin that simply read: “MAKE DAYTIME GREAT AGAIN.”
Despite the terrifying encounter, insiders say she remains unsure about what was real and what was a hallucination. The only thing she knows for sure?
She should have never left TV.
God Bless America.
