Economists Say Planet Fitness May Have Made a Fatal Flaw: “We Give Them Less Than a Year”

A panel of esteemed economists has examined the Planet Fitness situation and determined that if you’re an investor, you should probably bail out now.

According to the experts at Duke Financial, the fitness company made such a grave error that they’d be willing to bet a dollar that they “won’t last a year.”

“There’s no way they come back from this,” said Randolph Duke, COO of the hedge fund company, “It’s just too big.” His brother and CEO Mortimer Duke agreed.

All that’s left is the nod from Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd, who both say their experiences with the Duke brothers make them wary of making any sudden trades. “They’re easily fooled by things like false crop reports,” said Murphy, “We’re pretty sure they’re just uneducated boomers who got lucky with an inheritance.”

That wouldn’t be unheard of, considering there was no $5 coffee or avocado toast in the 1960s and 70s. Just savings accounts and houses purchased from their parents for $11K. “They didn’t have to be smart,” said Aykroyd, “just lucky enough to be white and working-class or above.”

With all of the cards stacked against them, Planet Fitness may want to consider diversifying its investments. Some believe a new kind of juice bar with drinks made exclusively from frozen concentrated orange juice might be exactly what the Boomer ordered.

The free market will always correct itself, patriots. God Bless America.