WASHINGTON, D.C. – In yet another case of your tax dollars hard at work, an initial audit by the Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) has uncovered a $106 million black hole in USAID funding meant for Ukraine—except instead of being used for humanitarian aid or defense, the money somehow ended up in the bank accounts of washed-up Hollywood B-listers.

According to newly released documents, the money was earmarked for a campaign called “Democracy Now! But Make It Hollywood,” which aimed to use celebrity influence to inspire Ukrainians. Unfortunately, the campaign only managed to confuse, irritate, or mildly amuse the Ukrainian people.

Where Did the Money Go?

1. $22 Million – Kevin Sorbo’s “Freedom Lifting” Program

Former Hercules star Kevin Sorbo was awarded a $22 million grant to introduce a national weightlifting program in Ukraine. The initiative, titled “Freedom Lifting: A Strong Democracy Needs Strong Biceps,” aimed to combine civic engagement with upper-body strength training.

  • Sorbo personally shipped crates of dumbbells to Kyiv with stickers that read “Lift for Liberty!”
  • The program forced citizens to deadlift before they could vote.
  • Sorbo attempted to bench-press a ballot box on live TV, but threw out his back, halting the campaign indefinitely.

2. $18 Million – Scott Baio’s “Ukraine Needs Family Values” Tour

Best known for Happy Days and Charles in Charge, Scott Baio was given $18 million to tour Ukraine and deliver speeches on “traditional values”—despite not speaking a single word of Ukrainian.

  • His first speech in Kyiv involved him confusing the Ukrainian parliament with a long rant about “kids these days.”
  • He spent half the budget on a giant billboard of himself winking with the slogan “Chachi Believes in You.”
  • The program was scrapped after Baio accidentally referred to President Zelenskyy as “Coach Z.”

3. $24 Million – Lindsay Lohan’s “Democracy Through Clubbing” Initiative

Lindsay Lohan received $24 million to open nightclubs across Ukraine where young voters could “learn about democracy while partying responsibly.”

  • The first club, Club Liberty, served cocktails named after famous world leaders, including the “Drunken Churchill” and the “Putin Sour.”
  • Lindsay personally DJed the grand opening, playing nothing but 2004 hits and voice messages from her former publicist.
  • The program collapsed when a nightclub employee asked Lohan to explain how democracy works, and she responded with a 17-minute rant about her time in Mykonos.

4. $15 Million – Frankie Muniz’s “Driving for Democracy” Stunt Show

DOGE investigators also discovered $15 million went to former child star Frankie Muniz, who launched a democracy-themed stunt driving tour across Ukraine called “Fast, Furious, and Free!”

  • Muniz promised to “drift for democracy”, but his 1998 Nissan Maxima broke down outside Kyiv.
  • The tour lasted exactly one performance, ending when he tried to jump a flaming ballot box but landed in a ditch.
  • One confused Ukrainian official asked, “Who is Malcolm, and why is he in the middle of this?”

What Happens Next?

With $106 million wasted on bizarre Hollywood stunts, DOGE has recommended that all future USAID payments to “celebrities in need of a career revival” be halted immediately. However, leaked reports suggest that negotiations are already underway to pay Vanilla Ice $12 million to teach Ukrainians about the Constitution through rap.

When asked to comment, a USAID spokesperson stated, “We stand by our decision. Who else was going to teach democracy? Experts?”