In a stunning move that absolutely no one approved, the Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) has announced that it will begin forcibly deducting fraudulent COVID relief payments from lawmakers’ retirement accounts.

The problem? DOGE has no actual legal authority to do this.

Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference held in a Chuck E. Cheese banquet room, DOGE spokesman Joe Barron explained the agency’s bold—and wildly illegal—plan.

“Look, we’re just taking back what was stolen,” Barron declared, while nervously flipping through what appeared to be a hand-drawn copy of the U.S. Constitution. “We checked, and I think there’s something in here about ‘no takesies backsies’ only applying to schoolyard rules.”

The “Fraudulent Payments”

DOGE officials claim that millions of dollars in pandemic relief went to lawmakers who absolutely didn’t need it, mostly in the form of PPP loans that they somehow forgot to pay back.

According to the official DOGE Crayon-Scrawled Investigative Report, among the biggest beneficiaries were:

  • Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene ($183,504) – For her small business selling CrossFit conspiracy theories.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz ($235,890) – To cover expenses related to his impromptu Cancun escape.
  • Rep. Matt Gaetz ($482,999) – Listed simply as “Venmo activities.”
  • Sen. Josh Hawley ($301,782) – To fund his book on “manly virtues” and emergency running shoes.
  • Rep. Lauren Boebert ($211,650) – A mysterious loan marked for “restaurant expansion”, which sources confirm mostly went to buying more guns for the waitstaff.

DOGE’s Completely Illegal Plan

Despite having no legal authority to mess with retirement accounts, DOGE insists that it will start deducting these “fraudulent” funds immediately.

“We’re just gonna take it,” Barron admitted bluntly. “You know, like they did with the relief money. It’s a fun little full-circle moment.”

Barron then reassured the public that DOGE will not be going after only Republicans, citing a Democratic lawmaker who allegedly used PPP funds to start a kombucha truck that nobody wanted.

Legal Experts Weigh In

Legal scholars across the country have been horrified by DOGE’s announcement.

“You can’t just… take money from people’s retirement accounts because you think they stole it,” said constitutional law professor Linda Cartwright. “That’s illegal on every possible level. I honestly can’t believe I have to say this out loud.”

When pressed on the legality of the plan, Barron shrugged and mumbled something about “executive privilege,” “eminent domain,” and “finders keepers.”

Final Thoughts

Despite clear legal violations, DOGE seems determined to go full steam ahead with its grand theft retirement scheme.

Meanwhile, several lawmakers have already started moving their funds to offshore accounts—or, in the case of Rep. Boebert, hiding stacks of cash in her gun safe.

Stay tuned, America.