In a groundbreaking revelation that’s sure to make your stomach churn, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has unearthed a $200 million research initiative aimed at replacing traditional beef and pork with “synthetic-based insect proteins.” Because nothing says “progress” like swapping out your juicy steak for a plate of lab-grown cricket casserole.

The Masterminds Behind the Madness

Leading this avant-garde culinary crusade is none other than Dr. Art Tubolls, a renowned entomologist turned “food innovator,” whose previous claim to fame was a failed attempt to market ant-infused energy bars to unsuspecting gym-goers. Assisting him is Joe Barron, a self-proclaimed “sustainability expert” whose primary experience involves composting in his backyard and lecturing neighbors on the virtues of kale.

The “Benefits” of Bug-Based Banquets

Proponents of this six-legged supper movement argue that insect proteins are:

  • Environmentally Friendly: Apparently, farming crickets produces fewer greenhouse gases than cattle ranching. Who knew that saving the planet involved turning your dinner plate into a bug buffet?
  • Nutrient-Rich: Advocates claim that insects are packed with protein, vitamins, and minerals. Because when you think of health food, you naturally think of beetles and grasshoppers, right?
  • Sustainable: Insects reproduce quickly and require less space. Fantastic! Soon, our kitchens will double as cricket breeding grounds. Bon appétit!

The Public’s Appetite (Or Lack Thereof)

Despite the government’s enthusiasm, the general public remains, understandably, skeptical. A recent survey indicated that 98% of Americans would prefer to stick with traditional meats, while the remaining 2% were too busy gagging to respond. But who cares about public opinion when there’s a dystopian food agenda to push?

The Future of Food?

As this $200 million endeavor marches forward, one can’t help but wonder: Is this really the future of our food? Are we destined to trade in our burgers and bacon for termite tacos and locust linguine? Only time will tell. In the meantime, perhaps it’s best to start perfecting your polite “no, thank you” for the inevitable insect hors d’oeuvres at future dinner parties.

God Bless America.