In what is shaping up to be the biggest misuse of taxpayer dollars since the government decided to investigate whether shrimp could run on tiny treadmills, Elon Musk’s Department of Government Ethics (DOGE) has uncovered $150 million in federal grants quietly funneled into the pockets of Hollywood’s biggest influencers.

And what were these massive checks for? What kind of essential, life-changing work were these celebrities being paid to do?

Grant #1: The “Bradley Cooper Smile Initiative” ($18 Million)

That’s right. Bradley Cooper was allegedly paid $18 million in taxpayer funds under a special grant labeled “National Happiness Enrichment Through A-List Smiling.”

“It’s a well-known fact that America is struggling with national morale,” said a spokesman from the now-defunct Department of Feel-Good Initiatives. “Seeing Bradley Cooper smile is scientifically proven to release endorphins in 73 percent of Americans. The other 27 percent are just communists.”

DOGE is still investigating whether Cooper was contractually required to show his teeth a minimum of ten times per awards season to fulfill the terms of his government grant.

Grant #2: The “Jennifer Lawrence Relatability Fund” ($22 Million)

Jennifer Lawrence, an actress widely beloved for tripping at high-profile events, was paid $22 million under a program known as “Making the Elite Seem More Clumsy.”

“People need to believe that celebrities are just like them,” explained an anonymous source who once delivered Uber Eats to an intern who once worked at the Department of Treasury. “Jennifer Lawrence is our secret weapon. Every time she stumbles at the Oscars, an American somewhere says, ‘Wow, she’s just like me!’ and instantly forgets about inflation.”

In exchange for her $22 million, Lawrence was contractually obligated to fall at least three times per year—though she exceeded expectations by managing seven unprovoked tumbles in 2023 alone.

Grant #3: The “Ellen DeGeneres Niceness Study” ($30 Million)

Former talk show host Ellen DeGeneres was awarded $30 million to participate in a study to determine whether rich people could still be classified as “nice” if the cameras were turned off.

The result? They could not.

Following the study, the government quietly reclassified billionaires under the same tax bracket as dragons hoarding gold and promptly canceled Ellen’s research grant. However, the funds were never returned, because, as one insider put it, “Ellen didn’t feel like it.”

The Kamala Harris Connection

So, why these celebrities? Why these insanely dumb government grants?

DOGE uncovered one disturbing common thread—every single one of the celebrities who received the mystery Hollywood grants also just so happened to publicly endorse Kamala Harris at some point.

“Total coincidence,” said an anonymous Washington insider. “Just like how every Starbucks ‘randomly’ writes ‘Trump’ on my cup when I order a vanilla latte.”

DOGE has since forwarded its findings to the Department of Justice, which has promised to ignore it entirely.

God Bless America.