According to a recent report from DOGE, the Department of Government Efficiency, roughly $300 million of the $600 million budget allocated to the Biden White House has “vanished into what we can only describe as a bureaucratic black hole.”

“I’ve seen some shady spreadsheets,” said DOGE Director Joe Barron, “but this one looked like it was written by Hunter Biden with a Crayola marker during a long weekend.” Barron says the agency first noticed the issue after requesting basic documentation for last quarter’s “Office of Public Enlightenment” expenses and receiving a Post-it note with the words “Don’t worry about it” and a doodle of Kamala Harris high-fiving an eagle.

The agency has been on high alert ever since a White House staffer — who moonlights as a Lyft driver — overheard someone at a Whole Foods in Georgetown say that “Joe Biden probably thinks the national budget is Monopoly money.” That tip led investigators straight to what they believe is a massive misallocation of funds that may or may not include $74,000 for artisanal oat milk and a $2 million invoice labeled “Miscellaneous Feelings.”

The official report, leaked by a guy named Art Tubolls who claims he used to deliver sandwich trays to the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, says that some of the unaccounted funds were traced to “wellness retreats” for White House aides in places like Sedona, Aspen, and a cabin on the Moon that Elon Musk allegedly leases out under the table.

When questioned by DOGE, one senior official replied, “We thought this was all part of the climate resilience initiative. Or was it the social equity sustainability empowerment fund? They all blur together.”

Adding to the confusion is the appearance of an “emergency purchase order” for 14,000 glow sticks, $900,000 in incense, and a line item called “President’s Secret Soup Fund,” which was redacted entirely but somehow still signed in invisible ink by Dr. Jill Biden.

As always, the Biden administration claims there’s “nothing to see here,” and that anyone questioning the budget’s integrity is “likely working for Putin.” When asked for a formal statement, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre held up a copy of the budget, laughed nervously, and said, “This? Oh… this isn’t even the final draft. It’s more of a mood board.”

DOGE has officially launched a full audit, which includes interviews with anyone who’s ever set foot in the West Wing, including that one janitor who swears he saw Nancy Pelosi hiding a gold bar in a potted plant.

Whether or not the $300 million will be recovered is unknown. But what we do know is this: if anyone can get to the bottom of this mess, it’s Joe Barron and his sidekick Art Tubolls, who currently works out of a converted RadioShack in Baltimore.

God Bless America.