WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold and slightly unhinged proposal, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has recommended eliminating both lifetime salaries and Secret Service protection for all former presidents, claiming it could save taxpayers up to a billion dollars annually. The agency insists that ex-presidents should “get real jobs like everyone else” and learn to navigate the world without an army of bodyguards and free money.

“If Americans have to update their LinkedIn profiles every few years, so should ex-presidents,” said DOGE Director Ron Fibbins, flipping through a slideshow featuring potential career paths for former commanders-in-chief. “We’re not saying they need to work in fast food—though we’d love to see Bill Clinton managing a Chick-fil-A—but there are plenty of respectable options out there.”

“A Billion Dollars is a Lot of Costco Hot Dogs”

According to DOGE’s calculations, the U.S. spends millions annually paying ex-presidents $219,000 each per year for life, plus office expenses, staff salaries, and security. With multiple former presidents and vice presidents still drawing benefits, DOGE claims this adds up to a completely made-up but probably accurate figure of a billion dollars a year.

“We checked the math, and it turns out that if we stop paying them, taxpayers could afford 500 million Costco hot dogs every year,” Fibbins explained. “That’s a public benefit we can all get behind.”

Alternative Income Options for Former Leaders

To make the transition easier, DOGE has outlined several alternative employment opportunities for ex-presidents, including:

  • Influencer Work: “They already love being in front of cameras, so why not capitalize on it?” Fibbins suggested. “Obama could be a travel vlogger, and Trump could start a ‘Rate My Golf Swing’ TikTok channel.”
  • Gig Economy Jobs: “Imagine George W. Bush driving for Uber. ‘Where are we going? Heck if I know, let’s find out!’”
  • Door Greeter at Walmart: “A perfect fit for Jimmy Carter, who already enjoys smiling at strangers.”
  • Podcast Hosts: “Every washed-up celebrity has a podcast. Why not former presidents? ‘Cheney and Gore: Unfiltered’ practically writes itself.”

Security? Try a Guard Dog

As for eliminating Secret Service protection, DOGE has an even simpler solution: “They can get a German Shepherd like the rest of us,” Fibbins said. “Dogs are great deterrents. Plus, it’s not like anyone’s actively hunting down ex-presidents. Most people assume they just vanish into the ether after leaving office.”

When pressed on whether this plan might endanger ex-presidents, DOGE remained firm. “Look, if Harrison Ford can keep fighting off assassins in every movie at his age, so can these guys.”

Bipartisan Reactions

Predictably, reactions have been mixed. Some Democrats worry that Joe Biden might accidentally take the job offer seriously and start handing out shopping carts at Target, while Republicans fear that Trump’s inevitable OnlyFans account would somehow crash the internet.

DOGE, however, remains undeterred. “America is built on hard work,” Fibbins said. “And frankly, we just think it’s time these guys start pulling their own weight.”