The Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) continues its crusade against wasteful spending this week by uncovering what some might call “questionably essential” federal programs—though supporters insist they’re “foundational to the future of humanity,” and in one case, “key to understanding whale sexuality.”
Among the latest findings: a $7.9 million grant awarded to a coalition of fruit engineers (yes, that’s a job now) tasked with developing “straight bananas.” According to the grant application, submitted by a research team out of a liberal arts school in Oregon that only offers majors in feelings and botanical sociology, the goal is to “normalize fruit geometry” and reduce the stigma faced by oddly-shaped produce.
“This is about inclusivity,” said lead researcher Dr. Art Tubolls, who previously received a $2 million grant to test if apples experience trauma during harvesting. “People don’t realize how hard it is for bananas that curve away from the societal norm.”
DOGE Spokesperson Joe Barron called the project “one of the most spectacular wastes of time since that federal commission on ‘gender-neutral Monopoly tokens.’”
Also on the chopping block: $3 million spent studying the psychological and logistical effects of switching to the metric system. The study, which so far has confirmed that Americans still don’t care how many milliliters are in a cup, has been hailed by some as a breakthrough and by most as “three million dollars to find out we’re stubborn.”
“I told them at the start, no one was going to measure their driveway in meters,” said Bob Hickey, a former consultant on the project who now works part-time measuring meatballs at IKEA.
But perhaps the most controversial grant of all—$8.5 million dedicated to gender research for humpbacked whales. The study’s stated goal was to “further understand gender expression within aquatic mammalian societies.” Critics argue the money could have been better spent on something useful, like plugging potholes or making DMV lines 3% shorter.
“We sent a team to the Pacific with GoPros and pronoun flashcards,” said project coordinator Lila Skimsky, whose qualifications include a PhD in underwater sociology and three summers as a camp counselor. “While the whales didn’t respond to direct questioning, we believe some of them may identify as non-binary.”
DOGE Director of Fiscal Sense, Joe Barron, told reporters that the department “isn’t trying to cancel science, but if your budget request includes the words ‘banana anxiety’ or ‘orca affirmations,’ we’re going to ask a few follow-ups.”
Predictably, critics are calling DOGE’s latest round of investigations a “far-right attack on truth,” while supporters call it “finally someone reading the receipts.”
Meanwhile, President Biden was asked if he’d intervene to protect any of the targeted programs. “Look, Jack,” he said, “you ever try to straighten a banana? It’s not as easy as it sounds.”
God Bless America.
