In a move that has Capitol Hill buzzing louder than a malfunctioning Tesla on autopilot, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), under the watchful eye of Elon Musk and the somewhat amused eye of President Trump, has frozen more than $100 million in congressional grants and expense accounts. The funds were allegedly tied to “projects of questionable merit,” a government term for “we just realized we’ve been paying for this nonsense.”

According to a preliminary report, DOGE flagged a wide array of expenses, including $2 million for a Senate mindfulness retreat in Sedona featuring goat yoga, a $5 million research grant titled The Psychological Benefits of Yelling at Constituents, and a shocking $11.4 million meant to study whether squirrels understand Morse code.

DOGE spokesman Joe Barron, a former assistant deputy to the assistant who once managed office snacks at HUD, made the announcement from a podium fashioned entirely from recycled printer paper and the broken dreams of bureaucrats. “Our goal is to ensure that taxpayer dollars are used responsibly,” Barron said. “If that means canceling a $3 million allocation for Nancy Pelosi’s scented candle lab, then so be it. No one needs that much lavender.”

The crackdown is part of an ongoing campaign launched via executive order earlier this year, directing DOGE to comb through federal expenditures with “a flamethrower and a calculator,” per the text of the order. The initiative focuses on reviewing foreign aid, educational funding, and any grant with the word “inclusive,” “sustainable,” or “community-building” in the title.

Some lawmakers are predictably furious. An unnamed senator (probably from California, let’s be real) told reporters, “This is political targeting. How else are we supposed to pay for the Congressional Jazzercise Program or Chuck Schumer’s weekly SoulCycle session?”

Still, supporters of the DOGE initiative are applauding the effort. One voter outside a Cracker Barrel in Kentucky, identified only as Art Tubolls, said, “About time someone told those freeloaders up in D.C. that we’re onto ‘em. I saw a grant for $800,000 to research if cats prefer country music. That ain’t government, that’s Animal Planet.”

The freeze also highlights DOGE’s growing reach, which includes eliminating USAID, slashing FEMA’s budget by 80%, and reportedly planning to install Musk-themed vending machines in every federal building. Critics warn of overreach, but Joe Barron isn’t fazed.

“We’re not here to play politics,” Barron said. “We’re here to clean house. And maybe put some of these senators on a budget, like the rest of America. You want foie gras flown in from France? Great. Pay for it with your podcast ad money like everyone else.”

At press time, DOGE officials were reviewing an additional $42 million in earmarks labeled simply “misc.” If that turns out to be another “national clown diversity training program,” expect more heads to roll.

God Bless America.