According to a press release posted on a bulletin board behind the Dunkin’ Donuts across from the Capitol, the Department of Government Ethics (DOGE) has uncovered more than $100 million in shady federal “grants” sent to individuals and organizations that just happened to endorse Joe Biden in 2020. The grants, which were approved with little oversight and no adult supervision, were reportedly handed out by someone named “Toby,” who may or may not have had clearance to use the government printer.
DOGE spokesperson Joe Barron called the scheme “the most obvious political kickback operation since Hunter Biden got a laptop-shaped cake from China.”
Among the recipients: a group called “Sustainable Justice Forward,” which received $11.4 million to host TikTok dance parties about climate change. Another $8.2 million went to “Woke on the Water,” a kayaking club in Vermont that teaches sea otters about inclusion. Neither group filed taxes, had a website, or could be reached for comment, though one member was overheard yelling “We’re doing the work!” outside an REI.
Art Tubolls, a former assistant manager at Best Buy turned fraud auditor for DOGE, discovered a $3.9 million check made out to a man named “Chance” who “just vibes and keeps it real.” His grant proposal was reportedly written on a cocktail napkin and included the words “intersectional composting” four times.
Even former child actor turned activist Jeremy Stinkwater was awarded $750,000 for his proposal: “Plants Have Rights Too.” His pilot program includes weekly therapy sessions for neglected houseplants in low-income neighborhoods and a traveling performance art piece called “Photosynthesis and Patriarchy.”
DOGE originally launched the audit to determine why so many Biden-friendly nonprofits were suddenly flush with cash and running ad campaigns like “Build Back Butter” and “Kamala is Just Misunderstood.” The grants were doled out under what the White House referred to as “The Equity Expansion Through Financial Rebalancing Initiative,” or EETFRI—an acronym even the White House Press Secretary couldn’t pronounce without making a fart noise.
The total payout is estimated at $112 million, though DOGE admits the figure could be higher, since several of the accounting spreadsheets were printed in Comic Sans and then eaten by a rescue ferret during a staff retreat.
Barron says this is just the tip of the griftberg. “There are still thousands of transactions we’re looking into. One was a $4.6 million wire to a group called ‘Black Lives Macrame,’ which claims to knit justice into every loop. They don’t exist on paper, but their newsletter has 800,000 subscribers and at least four verified Twitter accounts.”
Republican leadership called the findings “troubling,” “deeply unethical,” and “likely not illegal but super annoying.”
The Biden administration insists all grants went through “standard channels,” which a janitor at the Department of Energy clarified means “some guy named Lou in a bathrobe with a Gmail.”
As usual, nobody will go to jail, the grants won’t be returned, and someone will win a Peabody for documenting the whole thing. God Bless America.
