WASHINGTON, D.C. – A recent Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) Congressional Audit has raised eyebrows across Washington, revealing that Rep. Ilhan Omar, who entered Congress while reportedly receiving public assistance, has somehow amassed a $28 million stock portfolio in just a few short years.
While financial experts struggle to explain how a public servant earning $174,000 a year pulled off such an unbelievable investment strategy, Omar herself insists that her wealth is the result of “smart financial planning, prudent budgeting, and totally normal government salary growth.”
Investment Genius or Congressional Magic?
Omar’s stunning financial turnaround has left Wall Street titans baffled, with some calling it “one of the greatest investment runs in modern history.” Sources confirm her portfolio includes:
- $6 million in stocks for a solar panel company that didn’t exist until a week before she invested
- $4.5 million in “ethical” hedge funds based out of the Cayman Islands
- $3.8 million in a biotech startup that exclusively makes COVID test swabs shaped like miniature Ilhan Omar campaign signs
- $2.9 million in “Omar Family Consulting LLC,” a company that seems to employ only her brother and a mysterious “campaign advisor” named Cash Flowington
- $1.7 million in an electric car company whose CEO is reportedly “a close personal friend”
DOGE Investigators Shocked
DOGE auditors admitted that tracking the origins of her sudden wealth has been a challenge.
“We went in expecting the usual stuff—questionable book deals, vague ‘consulting fees’—but this?” said one investigator. “It’s like she found a secret Congressional cheat code.”
The most confusing detail? Despite amassing millions, Omar has still requested multiple government subsidies, arguing that “just because you have money doesn’t mean you should stop collecting it.”
Omar’s Explanation
When pressed on her investments, Omar responded:
“People love to criticize my success, but let’s be real—anyone could turn a modest Congressional salary into $28 million if they just followed these simple steps:
- Get elected to Congress.
- Pass laws that conveniently benefit companies you’re invested in.
- Magically receive stock tips from ‘anonymous’ sources.
- Avoid any and all SEC investigations because, let’s face it, they’re too busy watching Elon Musk’s Twitter account.”
She then added, “Also, I just have really good instincts.”
Washington Reacts
Some lawmakers are outraged by the report, with Sen. Rand Paul demanding an investigation, while Speaker Mike Johnson proposed a new rule requiring members of Congress to disclose “insider trading tips” in real-time on Twitter.
Meanwhile, other politicians are reportedly scrambling to learn Omar’s secrets, with one anonymous senator admitting, “If I had known Congress was this lucrative, I would have run years ago.”
At press time, Omar was spotted meeting with her financial advisors at an undisclosed private island, reportedly brainstorming new ways to “keep getting richer while pretending to fight for the working class.”