In yet another brilliant display of bureaucratic efficiency, the Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) has swooped in to rescue America from the horrors of properly supplied soldiers by clawing back $60 million in Department of Defense contracts. These contracts, which were awarded to companies owned by Democratic lawmakers, were for completely unnecessary items like medical kits, body armor, night vision optics, and food for deployed troops—you know, the luxuries of modern warfare.

According to sources inside DOGE, these contracts were deemed “wasteful” because, apparently, the military functions best when supplies just sort of appear out of nowhere. In fact, early reports suggest that DOGE may soon be replacing MREs with patriotic thoughts and a firm handshake.

The Horrible, Terrible, Very Bad Companies That Got the Contracts

Let’s take a moment to appreciate just how unqualified these companies were to provide essential survival gear:

  • Patriot Medical Supplies – Owned by Senator Joe Barron, this little mom-and-pop operation has only been supplying battlefield medical kits for over two decades. Surely, our troops would be better off with gauze from a gas station first-aid aisle.
  • SecureArmor Industries – A body armor manufacturer with a perfect track record of keeping soldiers alive? Owned by someone with a (gasp!) Democratic connection? Shut it down immediately.
  • NightSight Optics – Specializing in military-grade night vision, this company was founded by Representative Adam Schiff. But let’s be honest—who really needs to see in the dark during combat? Just squint harder, soldier.
  • Field Rations Plus – Owned by Senator Art Tubolls, this company provides MREs that actual troops actually eat. But why let them decide what they need when bureaucrats in air-conditioned offices can make that call?

DOGE’s “Fiscal Responsibility” at Work

Of course, no political stunt would be complete without pretending it’s about saving taxpayer money. DOGE officials insist that the clawback is part of a “broader review” to cut unnecessary spending. And what’s more unnecessary than basic survival supplies for deployed troops?

Meanwhile, actual defense contractors who do waste money—like the ones billing taxpayers $10,000 for a screwdriver—remain untouched. Because, as we all know, real patriotism means protecting the profits of companies that haven’t produced a working vehicle since Vietnam.

What Happens Next?

Now that these contracts have been revoked, the military will have to scramble for replacements. Maybe they’ll get medical supplies from an Etsy shop, body armor from a guy selling tactical vests out of his trunk, and food from the discount aisle at Dollar General. It’s all about cutting costs, right?

At press time, DOGE had not yet announced where the “saved” $60 million would go, but early rumors suggest it may be redirected to an urgent study on why troop morale keeps dropping for some reason.