In a stunning revelation that’s already shaking the foundations of the judicial branch, the Department of Governmental Ethics (DOGE) released preliminary findings showing that Chief Justice John Roberts may have funneled upwards of $5 million to the 2020 campaign of then-Vice Presidential candidate Kamala Harris.

The audit, part of DOGE’s broader effort to uncover “irregularities in campaign finance from high-ranking officials,” appears to suggest that Roberts—long considered a conservative-leaning institutionalist—was secretly funding the progressive agenda through backdoor channels. “It’s just shocking,” said DOGE spokesperson Sally Dunning. “We thought we were going to catch Ilhan Omar renting a Tesla with campaign funds again, but then this dropped into our lap.”

DOGE released a partial ledger showing the alleged transactions, including several “cryptic but compelling” notations such as “For democracy,” “Ice cream fund,” and one ominously labeled “Operation Robe Drop.”

Congressional Republicans have already launched what’s being described as the “Judicial Integrity Committee,” which despite its name, is mostly made up of people who don’t understand how campaign finance law—or integrity—works. “If this is true, and we’re not saying it is, but if it is,” said Rep. Art Tubolls (R-FL), “then Justice Roberts could be in for a world of subpoenas, provided the intern who types them knows how to spell subpoena.”

Senator Ted Cruz was reportedly so outraged by the report that he considered tweeting about it before ultimately deciding to argue with a teenager on TikTok instead.

But before the political class could spiral into complete chaos, DOGE released a clarifying statement—which, as always, raised more questions than it answered.

According to the fine print in the audit’s appendix, the $5 million figure is not a direct contribution from Chief Justice Roberts. Instead, it’s the result of what DOGE calls a “Name-Based Impact Multiplier,” in which they take the total campaign contributions made by all Americans with the last name “Roberts”—which amounted to roughly $294,000—and multiply that by 17, because, and we quote, “That’s the number we use.”

When asked for further explanation, DOGE Director Elon Musk shrugged, saying, “Math is fake. Vibes are real.” He then offered to show reporters the whiteboard where he came up with the formula but was reportedly “too busy tweeting memes.”

Chief Justice Roberts, who was unaware of the audit until his granddaughter texted him “OMG grandpa r u a lib now,” issued a rare public comment: “I have never donated to Kamala Harris. I don’t even Venmo. I still write checks at the grocery store.”

Despite the walk-back, the damage is done. Kamala Harris, when asked about the controversy, said, “I don’t know who John Roberts is, but if he wants to pay off my student loans, I’m here for it.”

DOGE has promised to continue using its proprietary algorithms, including their “Name Guessing Multiplier,” “Emotion-Based Fraud Estimator,” and something called “The Joe Barron Constant,” to ensure all future audits are just as accurate.

God Bless America.