Washington, D.C. – In a stunning revelation that has left bartenders, lobbyists, and congressional interns reeling, reports confirm that former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi spent a staggering $1.6 million on alcohol over 28 years—without ever drinking a single drop.
According to leaked expense reports, the funds were meticulously allocated toward the finest champagnes, rare scotches, and artisanal liqueurs for diplomatic receptions, fundraising galas, and the occasional tense budget negotiation. However, Pelosi, known for her steely discipline and carefully curated public image, allegedly never once touched a single glass.
“It’s remarkable, really,” said an anonymous Capitol bartender. “We’d pour the most expensive wine money could buy, and she’d just raise her glass, smile, and pass it along to some trembling junior staffer.”
The revelation has sparked outrage among both fiscal conservatives and hardcore partygoers alike. “If you’re gonna spend that much on booze, at least have the decency to get wasted like a real politician,” fumed one critic. “This is an affront to Washington tradition.”
Republicans have seized on the scandal, calling it “a blatant misuse of taxpayer-funded drunkenness.” House Oversight Committee members are now demanding to know where all that alcohol actually went. Early theories suggest Pelosi may have been stockpiling liquor for the eventual fall of democracy, or worse, reselling it on the dark web to fund a secret vineyard in Napa.
Meanwhile, Pelosi remains unfazed. “I don’t drink,” she told reporters. “But if America needs me to spend another million dollars on alcohol to keep democracy afloat, I’m happy to do it.”
As investigations continue, one thing is certain: Washington may be sober, but it’ll never be dry.
