FBI Director Kash Patel has assembled a crack team of top investigators to look into what experts are calling “the most absurd and downright disrespectful threats against a sitting president in American history.” The 13 accused Democrats, now dubbed The Menacing Thirteen, stand accused of a variety of actions so heinous, so despicable, that even the most seasoned FBI agents have struggled to keep a straight face while reviewing the evidence.
Among the most egregious offenses is the alleged act of Congressman Joe Barron, who, according to whistleblowers, sent the president a birthday card that, when opened, played the sound of an airhorn and sprayed him with a fine mist of seltzer water. The White House was thrown into chaos as Secret Service agents wrestled the card into submission, ultimately detonating it in a controlled explosion behind the Rose Garden.
Senator Leslie “The Menace” Thompson is accused of hiring a barbershop quartet to follow the president around, singing an original composition titled You’re Really Bad at This. Eyewitnesses claim the harmony was “suspiciously catchy” and led to a national security alert when staffers were caught humming it in the hallways.
Meanwhile, Representative Sandra Nguyen allegedly arranged for a local petting zoo to release 43 particularly aggressive goats onto the White House lawn. When confronted, she claimed the goats were merely there to “eat the weeds of corruption.” Investigators have yet to determine if the goats had a political agenda.
Governor Mitchell Davis has been accused of placing an order for 10,000 pounds of spaghetti to be delivered directly to the White House driveway, effectively blocking all access points for several hours. The official delivery note read simply: “For the Noodle-in-Chief.”
Not to be outdone, Mayor Patricia Owens stands accused of swapping the president’s morning newspaper with a large-print copy of Where’s Waldo?, leading to a four-hour press delay as he reportedly refused to move on until he had “found that sneaky little guy.”
Councilman Joe Ortiz allegedly rigged the presidential podium to emit the sound of a duck quacking every time the word “economy” was mentioned. The resulting press conference was described by one reporter as “both infuriating and a masterpiece of performance art.”
Other suspected acts of incitement include sending the president a mirror labeled “Presidential Approval Rating” (Representative Clarke), replacing all the flags in the White House with ones that simply say “Oops” (Senator Rivera), and allegedly hiring a skywriter to spell out “U Mad Bro?” above the Capitol building (Councilwoman Lee).
Despite the overwhelming evidence, Democrats have denied all accusations, calling them “ridiculous” and “a desperate attempt to distract from actual political issues.” However, Director Patel remains firm in his resolve.
“We take all threats to the president seriously,” Patel said in a press conference. “Whether it’s a trained parrot shouting ‘Not My President’ in the Oval Office, or an elaborate prank involving 500 rubber chickens, we will pursue justice to the fullest extent of the law.”
At press time, the president was reportedly unharmed but “extremely flustered” after receiving a mysterious text message reading: “Knock knock.”
