WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking turn of events that surprised exactly no one, newly appointed Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered the full declassification of all files related to the 2012 Benghazi attack, only to discover that there was absolutely nothing new to report—except perhaps a few outdated email chains about Cheryl Mills’ gluten-free diet and John Podesta’s risotto recipe.

The Big Reveal That Wasn’t

Standing before a row of American flags and a PowerPoint slide titled “We Finally Got the Truth (Maybe)”, Hegseth announced that, after years of speculation, endless congressional hearings, and millions of taxpayer dollars spent, the long-awaited declassified files contained… nothing that hadn’t already been leaked, reported, or screamed about on cable news.

“I went in expecting a government cover-up so deep that it would make the moon landing look real,” Hegseth admitted. “Instead, I got 15,000 pages of bureaucratic memos, Hillary Clinton forwarding a cat video to Huma Abedin, and an email from Joe Biden asking if Libya was in ‘South America or Asia.’”

Highlights from the ‘Revelations’

Despite the lack of smoking guns, some particularly juicy tidbits have surfaced from the declassified documents, including:

  • A strongly worded memo from then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, advising her staff to “not make this worse than it already is”—an email that some Republicans claim proves intent to conceal something, though they’re not sure what.
  • A heavily redacted briefing where officials debated whether CNN or MSNBC would be friendlier in their coverage of the incident.
  • A government expense report showing that an intern accidentally expensed a Domino’s pizza order to the State Department’s emergency response budget.
  • One document titled “TOP SECRET: The Truth About Benghazi”, which turned out to be a 400-page Word document that was completely blank.

Public Reaction: Outrage, Confusion, and Memes

The reaction across the political spectrum has been swift and dramatic:

  • Conservative commentators on Fox News expressed profound disappointment that the files didn’t include at least one handwritten note from Hillary reading, “Let’s do Benghazi again sometime!”
  • Liberal pundits took a victory lap, declaring this the “final nail in the coffin of Benghazi conspiracies,” though they said the same thing eight years ago and no one listened.
  • Social media exploded with memes, including one depicting Hegseth opening an empty safe, captioned: “The Benghazi Files, 2024.”

What’s Next?

Despite the total lack of new evidence, some members of Congress insist on launching a new investigation, citing a “gut feeling” that something must have been hidden somewhere.

Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Hegseth is moving on to his next big declassification project—revealing what’s inside Nancy Pelosi’s private wine cellar, which experts believe may contain at least three bottles of CIA-labeled “Forget Everything” Chardonnay.