In a stunning ruling that has already sparked multiple think pieces, a protest parade of inflatable syringes, and at least one Joe Rogan monologue, the DC Court of Appeals has vacated the presidential pardon granted to Dr. Anthony Fauci on the grounds that it was signed by autopen—a mechanical device that replicates a human signature.

Citing Article II, Section 4½ of the U.S. Constitution—a clause written in lemon juice and only visible under a Liberty Bell-shaped blacklight—the court determined that “No citizen shall be absolved of alleged or unalleged federal misdoings by the mechanical hand of man or gear-based facsimile.”

In other words, robot pens can’t forgive people.

Legal scholars agree: it’s the most action the autopen has seen since Obama used it to sign 23 bills while playing Mario Kart. In this case, however, it was used to pardon Fauci for what insiders described as “general COVID confusion,” including but not limited to: flip-flopping on masks, possibly microchipping beagles, and yelling “SCIENCE!” every time someone asked him about gain-of-function research.

Former President Biden, who issued the pardon before quietly being ushered out of the White House with a juice box and some crayons, defended the use of the autopen. “It counts,” he said. “I pressed the button real hard. That’s intent, Jack.”

But the DC Court disagreed, dusting off a lesser-known Founding Father statute: Clause 17b, Subsection Q-19, which clearly states, “The power of the pardon shall rest solely with the President’s actual, fleshy hand, unassisted by sorcery, machinery, or interns named Greg.”

Fauci’s team immediately appealed, citing the “Reasonable Use of Cool Gadgets in Presidential Functions Act of 1976,” but the court tossed it faster than Rand Paul in a science fair.

Now, Dr. Fauci faces a daunting legal road ahead. According to a source who definitely isn’t just Joe Barron in a trench coat, Fauci could be forced to return the limited-edition “I Was Pardoned” commemorative coin he had minted last fall, along with the Fauci bobbleheads that were going to replace Susan B. Anthony dollars in 2026.

Conservative pundits rejoiced. “It’s about time someone took the Constitution seriously again,” said Newsmax guest Art Tubolls, a retired gym teacher who once autographed a globe and tried to submit it to the Library of Congress.

“This sends a message: if you’re going to be pardoned in this country, your President better pick up a pen like George Washington did—probably with a feather.”

In the meantime, Fauci has reportedly gone into hiding somewhere in Vermont, resurfacing only once to sign a CVS receipt, which he swears was done manually. AOC has already filed a motion to re-issue the pardon using a stylized Sharpie and a quill pen dipped in oat milk.

God Bless America.