Acting swiftly last night on orders sent directly by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi herself, Trump supporter, filmmaker, and CEO of MyPillow Inc. Mike Lindell was arrested at his Queef Lake, Pennsylvania home in a shocking 2 a.m. raid by a team of armed federal agents.
Although Lindell wasn’t injured and surrendered peacefully after pissing his pillow, agents did accidentally fire their weapons on, and mortally wound Lindell’s beloved Crackdog, KellyAnne. The stuffing-engineer had owned the crackdog since 2016.
“Oh yeah, I knew that bitch. Always sniffin’ around my ass for some rock. My condo- oof – I just farted.”
Lindell is being charged with sedition and un-American activity under title 9, section 14 of the United States code of justice, a crime just shy of treason and carrying a possible sentence of life in prison. The mustachioed puffy fluffer has already retained a legal team to represent him in a federal court.
Asked why such a seemingly brutal method of arrest was deemed necessary, Pelosi’s aide Sandra Batt explained that the suspect’s wholly inaccurate and bordering on communist propagandist “movie” was the last straw needed for a kick-in-the-balls takedown.
“It’s very clear from his ridiculous garbage ‘film’ that goes on and on with the same nonsense and libel he’s been spouting since Trump lost, that Mike Lindell hates America. He hates justice, he hates accuracy and reason, and he wants to pretend he’s more important than he is. Well, he got his wish. Pretty soon he’ll be so important in a federal supermax prison that half the weight room will be using him for ‘Their Pillow.’ How’s that sound? Got enough attention now, Dollar Store Ron Jeremy?”
“…respect.”
The film in question, hilariously named “Absolute Proof” consists of a 2 hour plush rehash of the Pillionaire’s irrational conspiracy horseshit, and has been denied access from both YouTube and Facebook.
As the first person charged with Sedition in decades, is Mike Lindell about to become a fool hero or a human penis comforter? We’ll have to just watch, wait, and pray for both.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
