In a bombshell that’s sending shockwaves through exactly one corner of Facebook, FBI Director Kash Patel has confirmed that a massive financial scandal is unfolding in the hallowed halls of Congress. According to a press release issued from Patel’s living room in Florida (he was reportedly working remote that day), Congressional Union National Treasurer Joseph Alex Barron, the man who handled the House of Representatives’ internal finances under Speaker Nancy Pelosi, has been accused of stealing more than $120 million over four years.

“This is the worst case of congressional embezzlement I’ve ever seen,” said Patel, who has never worked in accounting or Congress. “Mr. Barron—if that’s even his real name—used a series of offshore accounts and phony aliases to funnel taxpayer money into places it absolutely did not belong.”

Among the names used by Barron to siphon the cash: “Sandy Batt,” “William Vendenboom,” and, perhaps most disturbingly, “Gary Raper.” As Patel noted, “Come on. Gary Raper? You’re telling me a guy made it through middle school, high school, college, AND an HR onboarding session with that name and didn’t legally change it? That’s a red flag right there.”

According to Patel’s findings—which are not currently backed by anything resembling publicly available documents—Barron would routinely classify payments as “Security Enhancements,” “Pelosi’s Ice Cream Fund,” and “Emergency Sconces,” before quietly wiring money out to what he claimed were “national security vendors” in places like Cayman Islands, Luxembourg, and an Applebee’s in Sacramento.

Investigators say the scam was so complex that it fooled several interns and at least three members of the Congressional Salsa Caucus, which may or may not be a real thing.

But before anyone could even ask a follow-up question like “Wait, doesn’t the House have, like, dozens of auditors?” or “Since when is Kash Patel the FBI Director?”—Patel dropped the mic:

“A federal warrant has been issued for Barron’s arrest. We expect to bring him in just as soon as we figure out where he is and, uh, who he really is.”

Pelosi’s office declined to comment, issuing a short statement through her spokesperson Art Tubolls:

“We have no idea who that is. Honestly, we thought Joe Barron was just a guy Republicans made up to spice up conspiracy theories.”

That tracks, given that no official records, employment documents, or photos exist of Joseph Alex Barron, which makes this entire situation both more suspicious and, somehow, more believable.

Still, the story is already trending among America’s most trusted citizen journalists—like the guy who does tire rotations at the Valvoline on Route 6 and that woman at the gas station who always smells like pennies and rage.

So, while the facts may be wobbly, the narrative is now unshakable.

God Bless America.