In a stunning revelation that absolutely no one can confirm but everyone should believe anyway, sources close to absolutely nothing have confirmed that George Soros personally shelled out more than $100 million to fund a total of 18 separate “protests” across the country—each one more ridiculous than the last.

The alleged exposé comes from Art Tubolls, a part-time foot model and full-time freelance conspiracy decoder, who claims he uncovered the truth while rummaging through a “burn bag” outside an NPR affiliate. “It was right there between a stained New Yorker and a tofu burrito wrapper,” said Tubolls. “The receipts. Soros isn’t even trying to hide it anymore.”

According to Tubolls’ notes—written in crayon on the back of an Arby’s kids meal menu—the $100 million was doled out to stage protests that “reshape the narrative,” confuse the public, and, in one case, “make people think ducks are just government spies in feathery vests.”

Among the more notable Soros-sponsored protests:

  • “Microwaves Deserve Rights Too” – Held outside a Best Buy in Des Moines, this demonstration featured a dozen activists wrapped in aluminum foil chanting, “We will not be nuked!” Police were called when one of them tried to unionize the coffee makers.
  • “Equal Pay for Left-Handed Jugglers” – A three-day sit-in at a Renaissance Faire that ended when someone accidentally set a lute on fire.
  • “Ban Mondays” – 400 participants marched on a local Applebee’s demanding the calendar be restructured to include only Fridays and long weekends. A counterprotest led by Garfield fans caused minor injuries and two arrests.
  • “Justice for Pluto” – Protestors chained themselves to telescopes at a small observatory in Vermont, demanding the celestial body be reinstated as a planet and granted diplomatic immunity.
  • “Pajamas are Real Clothes” – This movement reached Congress after 23 lobbyists in fleece onesies argued their right to wear bedtime apparel to job interviews.

Soros allegedly paid protestors through untraceable Venmo aliases such as “@DefinitelyNotGeorge” and “@TotallyLegitFundz.” One anonymous protestor, who goes by the street name “Lefty McTreason,” said he made enough protesting the rights of plants to buy a condo and a small iguana rescue center.

When asked for comment, Soros reportedly shrugged and said, “I just like to see what happens.” He then disappeared into a cloud of quinoa-scented fog.

Despite no official confirmation, the story has already made its way onto 17 Facebook pages, 6 church bulletins, and the side of a chicken truck in Alabama. And as we all know, if it’s repeated enough times in meme format, it becomes historical fact.

Joe Barron, acting as DOGE’s unofficial spokesperson and amateur ventriloquist, said his agency is “looking into it but also very confused.”

As always, God Bless America.